“Focusing on ourselves actually allows us to release other people to solve their own problems and frees us to contentment and even happiness for ourselves.” – Survival to Recovery

I like fixing things. Fixing problems can be a good thing. But trying to fix other people’s problems, when they haven’t asked me to, can create more problems.

I used to be confused about this, thinking I’m just being helpful. But AlAnon taught me to just listen, and if I’m compelled to help, say “would you like my help?”

I don’t this this perfectly or as often as I could, but I’m making progress slowly but surely, which is just another reason why ILML!

– JamesQ

“… show me today what I can do to help someone who is hurting…” 12 Step Prayer Book

Before I came to the program, I had no idea how lucky I am to have the opportunity to be of service in this way. When I help another who is suffering, here’s what happens to me:

(1) I temporarily forget about all my problems,

(2) self-centeredness slips away

(3) I feel appreciated by another human being,

(4) I feel like I have a greater purpose

(5) I gain self-esteem, and

(6) gratitude for my life increases.

If I actually help them, that’s great. Either way, when I reach out my hand to another, I am given gifts beyond my wildest dreams! ILML

– JamesQ

“Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I’m trying to control someone… is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I am satisfied only when the other person… agrees with that I’ve said or takes my advice – then I know I’ve lost my focus.” -Courage to Change

When I read this, my first thought was how others do this to me. The fact is, I’ll never change them, but I can work on me. Today I’ll try to not tell, ask or suggest something more than once to someone else. In practicing this awareness I will actively decrease the fear that causes me to want to control others. ILML 🙂

– JamesQ

“… honest and tolerant… confess his faults… make restitution… a Higher Power… meditation and prayer… carry A.A.’s message.” Daily Reflections

This is a great recap of things that I regularly do to stay and grow in recovery.

If I’m lying I can’t feel good about myself. If I’m impatient it adds to my stress. If I can’t see my shortcomings, I am left to stew in them. It’s anti-social behavior to be unwilling to apologize and repair the damages I have done. Without a Higher Power I am left alone, all by myself, trying to run the whole show. Without taking time to slow down, breath, and relax, I frantically rush through life, missing out on the best of it. Without expressing my gratitude and appreciation for life and the wonderful gifts I am given, I just focus on the problems. And without helping others, I become the needy, self-consumed narcissist who cares only about myself and my needs, left to wonder why I’m so unhappy.

In composing this blog entry, it’s easy to quickly see how each and every step in the program has a specific purpose in helping me avail myself of all the gifts awaiting me in this life. Thank God for the 12 step programs and all of you who are walking this road of recovery with me. ILML.

– JamesQ

“Every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows”. 12&12 p44

The instincts this passage refers to are those for sex relations, material security, emotional needs, and companionship. When I impose upon and expect others to meet these desires, I am bound for misery. Instead, by simply not trying to demand, control, judge, and expect, I no longer have to live in recurring disappointment of others and the world around me.

With this new approach, each day becomes an exciting adventure rather than a dreaded voyage. Today I’ll make it a great one but not imposing my will on others. ILML!

– JamesQ

“I believe that joy and gratitude are insuperable… When ever we are appreciative, we are filled with a sense of well-being and swept up by the feeling of joy.” Attitudes of Gratitude

Lately I’ve been a bit on the pity-pot. Thus the absence of my recent posts.

The reason for this is that I’ve been focused on what’s wrong lately – as if doing that will magically give me the answer to fix it. Over the last couple of weeks it’s become an obsession. And the more I focused on the wrong, the bigger it became, and the less I attended meetings and did my morning rituals. (A vicious cycle).

So I’m hopping back on it – starting with this text and a hike today at 4pm. At times like this I need to remember that it’s ok to slip emotionally. But when I do, I simply must remember to get back into the solution as quickly as possible, reminding myself how lucky I am, and how much ILML!

– JamesQ

“The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept he home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough.” AA p.82

For years I thought abstinence was enough. In retrospect, I see that my attitude was arrogant, cocky and selfish. If I’m honest, with the exception of my first time through the steps, I don’t think I began working the program in earnest until I was 20 years sober. That was a lot of unnecessary pain I put myself and others through. However, I choose to believe I did my best at that time – I simply wasn’t ready or willing.

Thank God I do the WHOLE deal today – sobriety is definitely not enough for me. I want all the growth I can get because I desire to live to my FULL potential. Four days left on the beautiful island of Maui and ILML!

– JamesQ