“When we have the door to faith open and, though self-will may slam it shut again (as it frequently does) it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness.” – Adapted from 12&12 p.34
The 12 steps often speak of “Self-will run riot”. I have, up until exactly 122 days ago tried to run my life as I saw fit. I can say that the one thing that I have learned in the preceding days since my surrender is that I haven’t got a fucking clue how to do it. I can sit and point fingers all day and say that the reason that I was failing and being miserable in the process was because my teachers picked on me or my parents were terrible etc etc but the truth is really as simple as this: I turned my back on my higher power.
I decided at some point that I didn’t need any kind of spirituality in my life. I can’t pinpoint that exact moment but what I can say is that it led me down a road filled with uncertainty, unhappiness and fear.
How does a man without faith deal with fear? He tries to escape by whatever means necessary. He drinks. He drugs. He eats. He fucks. He fights. He hates his past. He cowers from the future. He ignores the present. He lives in a perpetual state of denial.
Then one day, when he is ready, God will be there for him. Waiting patiently. All that he has to do is find a tiny little piece of him that is willing to peek and see what it is like when you live in faith and not fear.
I am grateful beyond belief that I was given the direction and opportunity to peek behind the door and see for myself. I am also grateful for the slogan “Progress not perfection”. I know that self-will can never be fully eradicated and that I may have to go through pain or suffering to allow me to see that I have closed the door.
But, provided that I can find that tiny little piece of me that is willing to try then it can almost be guaranteed that I will once again Love My Life.