12 steps

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Love is Conditional

“What we’re striving for in recovery is a loving relationship with ourselves so that we can have loving relationships with others.” Adapted from The Language of Letting Go

I believe that it’s impossible to really get along well with others, stand up for ourselves, deeply and intimately love a partner, and be truly happy to the core if we haven’t figured out how to really love ourselves.

Like all the other successes in recovery, falling in love with myself (not in the egotistical sense but in the deeply liking who I am sense) didn’t come easily. But that’s understandable. My actions, towards others and myself, were disgraceful. I did so many things that hurt me and those around me that it was hard to grasp the idea that I could actually like myself, let alone love me.

The Program showed me that I could become another type of man entirely. By changing the way I thought, spoke, and acted, I could become a good, loving man, and in the process change the way I felt about myself. It required huge shifts in my behaviors, and sincere requests each day from my Higher Power to help me overcome those defects of character that I acted on, prior to recovery.

I started speaking more kindly, and learning about my own boundaries of acceptability, both from myself and others. I began building self-esteem by taking esteem-able actions.

But I was a tough case. In order for me to overcome my dislike for all the past actions that had poisoned my life and my perception of self, I needed to work even harder than many others. I had to start watching—and changing—what I was saying to myself, because my mind was believing the words I spoke aloud.

Sentences that started with “I’m not…, I can’t…, I’ll never…, It’s no use…., I don’t deserve…,” blocked me from evolving into a new, great man, and inviting in all the abundance God had in store for me. I replaced them with “You deserve…, You will…, You can…, You are…”, and I began mandating the man, and the dreams, I had always longed for.

Today I look into the mirror, directly into my eyes, and smile. Then I say “I love you James!” Then I yell out “And I love my life!” And I mean it. But this love is conditional upon the maintenance of my (rigorous) spiritual program of action. If I slack off, it starts to go away quickly.

And so I’m diligent, consistent and determined to practice this new way of life with the conviction of a dying man. Because when I do that, everyday ILML!

— JamieQ

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Step into Emotional Recovery

“Many of us grew up trying to please our fathers and feeling we never got the approval we needed.” – Touchstones

I am fortunate to sponsor and love a lot of others in the program. Of them all, I cannot think of one – including me – that felt they received all of the approval and unconditional love they wanted from their father as a child. Unfortunately, when we carry these unmet expectations into our adult lives, they tend to result in low self-esteem and unrealistic needs for our partners to fill that hole in our heart which wasn’t filled by our father. Recognizing this destructive pattern, which hurts both us and those we love, is the first step into emotional recovery. The next is to nurture a relationship with a higher power of our understanding to fill that hole with divine love. That’s what I’m doing today, and as a result, ILML! 

– JamieQ

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Into Me You See

“Loneliness comes from a feeling of separation, the idea that we are different.” – In God’s Care

Our program has solutions that lead to serenity, peace and happiness. This is great news for most of us, who have spent years in disfunctional relationships, destructive behavior and unhappiness. But the icing on the cake is the deep, meaningful, safe friendships we develop by showing up to meetings and that feeling of connectedness we get from exchanging intimacy (into me you see). My life is richer than I ever could’ve hoped because of all my friends in the fellowship. ILML! 

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The Luckiest Man in the World

… he stands at the edge of new mysteries, joys, and experiences of which he had never even dreamed.” 12&12, p.110

I can tell you this. I’ve slept in abandoned cars. In empty homes. In jail. In a mental hospital. On a beige rug with fleas so thick it looked black. In my vomit. In a closet. And those aren’t even the really bad places. When I remember that, my life is so far beyond any dream I ever had. That’s why I tell people I truly believe that I’m the luckiest man in the world. Thank you God, AA, AlAnon,  and AlAnon. ILML! 
– JamieQ

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Every Ounce of my Heart

“… let me sow love.” – 12 Step Prayer Book

I’ve discovered that in order to most effectively do this, I have to start by growing and nurturing the way I love myself. Once I came to a point where I really loved being me, and learned how to support that on a daily basis, I found that deeply loving others without being codependent was easy. Today I have many Sponsees and a Sponsor that I love with every ounce of my heart, and their love for me blesses me a thousand times over. ILML! 

  

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My True Motives

“To detach … means I love myself enough to stay out of others’ insanity.” – Hope For Today 

This is a great page. It speaks to the place my head gets into when I confuse caring with attempting to fix, control, or change another. It reminds me that ‘Being helpful and kind’ is great, provided that, in my divine righteousness, I am not being kind and helpful in order to get them to do what I think is best.  Today I’ll let others behave as they wish, I’ll help if asked, detach if it’s toxic, stay connected to God and try to be the best James I can be today. ILML! 

– JamieQ

  

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Restored to Emotional Health

“… practicing these Steps, we had a spiritual awakening…” – 12&12 p. 109

I like the words “spiritual awakening.” At first I thought the concept was just a cliche we use in the rooms. Today it implies that I’ve recognized that I’m disconnected from my higher power – that sense of peace, love and comfort I crave – and feel the desire to plug back in. 

As the quote states it takes some actual actions – or work – to reconnect. I do this by using the tools of the program, including my rituals, prayer, meditation, the steps, fellowship and meetings. Through consistently committing time and energy to this practice I am restored to emotional health, and best of all, once again, ILML! 

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God-Dance

“… follow your own inner guidance…” – Until Today

This morning at Starbucks, while doing my daily life-loving rituals, I came across this phrase and was struck by the idea that these days my higher power, aka God, is my inner guidance. It’s the voice that directs me in ways that improve my life and circumstances, and often those of people around me. So why not have some fun and change the spelling of guidance just a bit? Today I’ll let loose, listen to the music of my heart, and “follow my own inner God-Dance!”ILML! 

  

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Courage and Tenacity

“Our inventory enables us to settle with the past.” 12&12, p.89

We can easily turn this around and say “If we would like to be released from the resentments, shame, hurt, sorrow and frustrations of our past, take an inventory.” Will an inventory really do this? Absolutely! My experience is that when I have the courage and tenacity to take an inventory as outlined in our program, followed by steps 5-9, I ALWAYS feel better. I’m so grateful for having discovered the secrets to happiness on a daily basis in the steps, and… ILML! 

– JamieQ

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Stop Blaming Others

“Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.” – Big Book of AA

When I’m having difficulties with someone else, chances are I’m part of the problem. Am I in fear or making things bigger than they are? Am I trying to get my way or do I feel victimized. If I can answer yes to any of these, there is a solution: Find my part. Admit it. Make amends. Get connected to God. Then be of service. When I stop blaming others long enough to work my own program, I can get back to the business of loving life a lot sooner. And for me that’s very important, because each day it’s me deep desire that ILML! 

– JamieQ