Finding a Personal Higher Power

“… saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger…” Alcoholics Anonymous p.88

I’ve read that danger is one letter away from anger. When I read this passage from the Big Book, it reminded me that it’s hard to be in anger when I’m truly connected and seeking God’s will. But for many, believing in God, let alone knowing God’s will, was impossible, as it used to be for me. What is God? What is God’s will?

I think this is where the exercise I was given for step 2 came in handy. It was suggested to me that I write down on paper what I would like my personal God to be. For some this could be easy , particularly if they already have a clear concept: a Mountain, Jesus, Buddha, etc. But for me, who really didn’t believe in God, this was a challenge. Here were (and still are) some of the things on my list:

Loving
Kind
Humorous
Caring
Gentle
Fun
Respectful
Encouraging
Forgiving
Believes in me
Full of wisdom
100% always there for me
Wants the very best for me
Helps me work on my defects
Complimentary – builds me up
Light and easy, not uptight
But of all, mostly Loving

Today, because the one word that describes my personal understanding of God more than any other is Love, it’s easy to know what God’s will for me is: to be loving. Period. If I’m loving, I’m plugged into God and the solution. And when I’m not acting in a loving manner, I’m disconnected.

Being loving applies to both others and me. At first knowing how to do this was difficult. If I’m too concerned with being loving towards myself, at their expense, I may be go overboard and be selfish. If I’m too loving towards them, at my expense, I may feel like a martyr and be resentful.

Today, because of Al-Anon, I’m beginning to understand that it’s ok to say no to someone’s request if I’m uncomfortable doing it or it’s something they are quite capable of doing for themselves. It’s also ok if they are not happy with me, because today I’m ok with or without their approval. Alternatively, I also understand that I’m more likely to be selfish when I’m not plugged in, asking to do God’s will regularly (be loving). Often this comes as a result of getting away from one or more of the basic consistent and regular actions of my program:

Prayer
Meditation
Meetings
Calling my sponsor
Reaching out to sponsees
Working on my steps
Writing daily inventory & gratitude list
Reading program/recovery literature
Taking physical exercise
Eating healthy
Getting sleep
Keeping my house, car & life organized

So to sum it up, saying “Thy will be done.” throughout the day is a reminder for myself to be loving. It helps me remember to love myself and others. It’s also what has enabled me to come to a place where I believe in my core, feel in my heart and know in my mind that I LOVE MY LIFE!

– JamesQ

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