“… it’s not anybody else’s job to “make” me feel better or different… whenever I’ve left the job of “Make me happy!” up to someone or something else, it ends up causing me a lot of needless suffering… happiness is an inside job.” – Mike Stewart, Life Lover

I’ve definitely fallen into this trap. In the past I would hang my happiness on the woman I was with—as long as she was loving towards me and happy, I was happy too. This was a disastrous recipe for success in relationships. No one will ever ALWAYS be happy with me, so I was essentially guaranteeing my misery by having my happiness contingent upon how she felt, or how she treated me.

These days, I’m not dependent upon the approval or expression of love by my wife (of 20 years). Don’t get me wrong, we love each other like crazy and both think highly of each other, but we all have our moments (often they have nothing to do with each other). Instead, I live the program by consistently working the daily deal to make me feel good. And then, even if my wife isn’t feeling great, instead of being needy and reactive, I can be the spiritual leader in the family by hugging her and telling her how wonderful, beautiful and special she is (which is always true). When I take care of my emotional and spiritual needs, I can be a great man to those I love, regardless of how they’re feeling. And when I do that… ILML! 

– JamieQ

“A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us.” – 12&12

Can you imaging right now, from this point on, and for the rest of your life, not growing emotionally, spiritually or intellectually? That would be it. You would forever know only what you now know and no longer evolve in any way. How incredibly boring and sad that would be. 

Well guess what? That’s exactly what happens when I’m a know-it-all, when I always want to be right, and when I don’t really listen to others with an open mind. The only way to grow is to seriously consider others’ opinions, read from books that expand me emotionally, spiritually and intellectually, and try doing things in new ways. 

By opening up my mind, practicing actual, concrete actions that help me evolve, and then putting those new ideas into action, I am enriched with abundance and… ILML! 

– JamieQ

“… feelings can actually be created by the way we think (attitudes) and behave (actions). We don’t have to wait for the positive feelings to descend.” – Attitudes of Gratitude in Love 

I’m a true believer of this philosophy. So, knowing I can change how I feel anytime I want, and being the kind of guy that loves to feel good, I’ve come up with a list of the Top 10 Ways to Feel Good. Aside from staying sober and attending meetings, here are mine (let me know if you have any other methods to share with me):

1. Yell out “I LOVE MY LIFE!” as many times each day, starting right after awakening. 

2. Decide to have a higher power, figure out what that looks like, and talk to HP as often as you can, just like you would a friend. PS. It’s ok to pretend. 

3. Make a gratitude list and share it with others, encouraging them to share theirs with you. 

4. Read out of at least three uplifting, gratitude based books that feature wisdom on how to get fear-free and feeling good. Feel free to take a photo of a passage and share it with someone. 

5. Exercise and stretch everyday, starting in the morning and doing a little here and there throughout the day. 

6. Eat small portions of healthy foods and have some small cheats that don’t make you feel tired, bloated, fat or guilty. (My cheat is a small piece of dark chocolate or jelly beans). 

7. Have a hobby, or multiple ones, that you really love. Insert hobbies into each day. These days mine is playing guitar and singing. I even have guitars hanging on the walls at work so I’ll be reminded to stop and play periodically during the day. 

8. Take some time out of each day to be helpful to others who need a hand, and clearly appreciate it. Sometimes I just pick up random trash on a sidewalk to be of service to my community. 

9. Be loving. Send out a random text to people you love letting them know you love and appreciate them. Buy your loved one flowers just because. Say hello to strangers in the elevator. Practice loving. 

10. Get a journal and write in it everyday. Start with today’s date and time. Then your physical location. Then talk about what’s happened since your last entry, how you feel. List the great things that you’ve done and have happened, and the things you could have done better. Make immediate amends if you discover you may have hurt someone (cell phones are great for this). Taking an inventory, discovering yourself, and clearing away the wreckage of the past builds us into more wonderful people, people we can be proud of being. 

I’ve discovered that it’s extremely rare for me to ever feel bad for long when I’m doing all 10 things listed above everyday. The actions give me a better attitude, and that attitude makes me feel better. And then, no matter what’s going on around me… ILML! 

– JamieQ

“… happiness depends on my mental attitude and not external conditions… I can live happily in the present moment by remembering that I already have more than enough to be happy.” FEAR – Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm 
My whole life has been filled with wanting. As a baby I wanted food, comforting, and my diapers changed. Then I wanted sweets and presents (wait, I still want those – lol). I’ve spent minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years in wanting. But wanting and gratitude are mutually exclusive feelings for me. It’s either one or the other. The irony of wanting is that it never, ever fulfills me, whereas gratitude always does, without fail. Therefore, today I pledge to surrender my wants when they come up, instead trusting that my Higher Power will provide the wonderful things that are best for me. Instead of wanting I’ll spend my time in gratitude for the abundance of gifts that I’ve been blessed with, because when I live like that… ILML! 

– JamieQ

“…not spending my energy trying to figure out other peoples lives, I have… peace… Many of my problems stemmed from minding everyone’s business but my own.” – Hope for Today 

Wow, that’s a pretty epic insight. It’s almost automatic for me to want to get involved in what’s going on with others. And the more emotionally attached to the person I am, the more I can’t seem to help myself. It’s one thing to be there for others and get involved in their little dramas when I’m being asked for my opinion or assistance, but it’s an entirely other thing to do so just because I can’t help myself. In those situations I take away the dignity and growth from others who need to walk through their own experiences (however painful) in order to get to the other side and feel empowered by handling it themselves. I may feel that they really need my help, or aren’t doing things the right way, or may even get hurt if I don’t intervene, but unless they are truly helpless and my responsibility (like my small child or my infirm, elderly parent), the only way to really work my program is to mind my own business. And when I do this, chances are much, much better that… ILML! 

– JamieQ

“We can positively or negatively affect others. If we are cheerful it shows others that we believe things are going to turn out all right. If we are down, glum, or grouchy we show them that we expect the worst.” – Adapted from In God’s Care

Who wants to be around a negative person? I’ll tell you who: others who enjoy focusing on the problem or playing the victim. I used to be like that, and my friends were just like me – unhappy unless they were high. Today I’ve found away to root out the problem at its core rather than putting a bandaid on it. I’ve learned how to shift my perspective, feelings, and attitude about myself, life and others, from negative to positive. Through practicing a daily set of actions today I love being me, I love my family, I love where I live, where I work, what I do each day, and this experience I’m having on planet Earth. Even when I experience difficulties and things don’t go my way, I see it as an opportunity to practice acceptance and faith, knowing everything is going to be great (I may just have to wait a bit longer). By really diving in deep and working my program, stengthening my relationship with my personal Higher Power, attending meetings and being of service to others, ILML! 

– JamieQ

“… do not … expend unnecessary energy reacting…” – The Language of Letting Go 

The 12&12 tells us, “Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint.” It goes on to suggest that we avoid speaking and acting hastily or rashly, stop participating in tirades and arguments, avoid snap judgments and quick-tempered criticism, and stop sulking or silently scorning (aka acting uber-emo and butt hurt). These are emotional booby traps. By working our program diligently, consistently, and taking a daily written inventory to see where we can improve, we learn to restrain our tongue, texts and emails in order to sidestep the traps, thus avoiding a ton of needless pain and suffering. When I stop reacting and instead respond kindly, detach with love as needed and focus on gratitude… ILML! 

– JamieQ

“Happiness is contagious.” – Attitudes of Gratitude in Love 

I’m that guy out there yelling “I LOVE MY LIFE!!!” in the parking lot, on the sidewalk, at home, at my office and in my car (and I’m not the only one anymore). I’ll yell it out at a park or just about anywhere the feeling hits me. Sure, sometimes it’s a bit embarrassing, but what the heck. I’m a spreader of the life loving message. I love my life and want everyone else to know it (especially me), and hopefully love theirs. And everyone once in awhile someone yells back “I love my life too!” Those are really cool moments. The more I yell out that I love my life the more I affirm it, believe it, and pass it on. If happiness is contagious, so is loving life. So today I encourage you to try it on for size. At least once (right now if possible) throw your hands into the air, raise your voice as loud as you can and let it rip, with a big smile on your face, yell out ILML! :-))

– JamieQ

“…some friendships will last a lifetime… I will let myself enjoy the comfort, joys, and enduring quality of my friendships.” – The Language of Letting Go 

My first enduring friendship was with Johnny Reistetter. I went to preschool with him, then summer camp, and then spent summers in Puerto Vallarta, growing up with his family. He’s a normie and still is one of my very best friends. Next was my first sponsee, Mike M., who I still love and consider a dear friend. Today all my other best friends are in recovery, many of them are my sponsees. I love these men with all my heart, and feel their love for me right back into my heart. Because I work this program so diligently, applying it to every aspect of my life, my life is overflowing with friendship and love. And this gift of giving, sharing, loving and celebrating recovery through fellowship is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given in my life, and a principle reason why, today, ILML! 

– JamieQ

“Nothing is gained by worrying… (stay out of future fear) … always be in the present moment.” – In God’s Care

It’s completely normal to be concerned about the future—which is why it’s so hard for many of us to stay out of it. Fear of the future can even be healthy if it motivates me to take action right now. But worrying about something that I can’t currently do anything at all about causes me get stuck in my dis-ease while inviting in more fear, problems and disease. Once I understand this, I next need to be hyper-aware of when I am needlessly worrying about things I cannot presently change. With this newfound understanding and awareness, when worrying crops up, I am now prepared to take the action necessary to eradicate my future fear. I do this by practicing the daily rituals of my program of action, which returns me back to gratitude, optimism and a healthy emotional state of mind … a place where, once again, ILML! 

– JamieQ