“Today, I will get peaceful first, and let my work and life emerge from that base”. — The Language of Letting Go

This idea is the fundamental reasoning why I do my recovery rituals in the morning BEFORE work. All the decisions I make, and interactions I have with others, will surely turn out better when my thinking is along spiritual lines. Even when I’m running late (like today), I make some time to get centered. For me it’s worth every minute, because the result is that ILML! – James

“Worries about things not done yesterday and fear of tomorrow’s deadlines denied me the calm I needed to be effective each day.” — Daily Reflections

If I really want peace, success and happiness, I must surrender ALL my fears, and release my ties to yesterday. Only by consciously doing this, each time yesterday’s upset and tomorrow’s fear try to dominate my mind, will I get to love my life. And for a recovering AA and AlAnon like me, loving life is the ultimate goal. Luckily, today…. ILML! – James

“In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life.” 12&12 p.75

The question is, how much pain? How much suffering? Every one of us that has come into these 12 step rooms has experienced their share of pain and suffering and, most likely, caused some for others too.

After over 30 years I’ve come to the conclusion that most of us fall into one of two categories: victims or blamers. Of course, all of us have, at one time or another, blamed and felt like a victim. But in working with others I have noticed a district difference between these two types of recovering individuals.

First, a little about the blamer. I’m one of them, so I speak from extensive experience. As such, I’ll use the first person tense here.

My tendency to blame comes primarily from a fear of being wrong. I came from an alcoholic home, my dad was a black out drunk and physically abusive. Being wrong, or for that matter attracting any attention, could easily result in tremendous physical pain. I had two brothers and the best option for self preservation was to blame one or both of them. I know, not very nice. This fear of being wrong was indelibly etched into my being, and followed me through my life, long after it had any value. In fact, I discovered that blaming pushes others away and prevents me from the opportunity to take responsibility and change the things I can. It’s the opposite of humility and prevents growth.

I have heard many people say things like “Wow, issues from childhood, daddy issues, when are you going to get over it?” Well I’m her to say that, at least for me, I haven’t done so yet. But I’m working on it and have made tremendous progress. My belief is that spiritual development and healing character defects is a lifelong progress. I’m gentle with myself and, at the same time, encourage others to call me on my shit so I can continue becoming the man I want to be.

Now about the victim. From my childhood I have some experience with this too, though not quite as much. My wife, years ago, was constantly rubbing her fingers together over her shoulder when I would tell her how hurt I was. I legitimately thought I was opening up to her, explaining how hard it was for me. What she told me was she was playing the world’s smallest violin because I was talking like a victim. That’s dangerous behavior for an alcoholic. We’ve all heard the saying ‘Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.’ Her violin pointed out something I needed to hear – stop playing the victim James, it’s boring. Plus it may lead to drinking. Well her song worked on me. I’m rarely playing the victim these days (though I still blame my poor wife too often).

But victimization for many of us in the program manifests itself much more deeply. Often, as a result of events that have happened in their lives, these members have a hard time seeing how wonderful they are. Sometimes playing the victim was a way to get attention. Others, like myself, were truly victimized growing up. Looking in the mirror and saying ‘I love you’ while looking into their eyes is difficult, if not impossible. The idea that they are a victim and/or are not deserving of the good things life has to offer has been deeply ingrained in them. Rather than feeling great, with moments of feeling bad, many feel bad, with moments of feeling just ok. This is tragic. I have a harder time helping those people in my 12 step work. But many have found that exercises like writing gratitude lists, saying ‘I love my life’ out loud, and looking in the mirror saying all the things they love about themselves tends to help.

The blamer is hurting others and pushing them away. The victim is hurting themselves, and also pushing others away. Both these behaviors cause repeated pain. It is only when the pain is too much, when it’s so great that we can’t take it anymore, that we finally surrender and ask for help. For many, it’s the pain that leads us to recovery. But many of us that have been in the recovery for a long time also suffer great pain and misery. This often happens when we’ve strayed from working the program and being in the solution. Either way it’s a wake up call. A red light. A warning that if we don’t get into action soon, something bad will happen. Disaster is looming, but there is a way out.

It says in the Big Book on page 19, “… pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.” That was my solution at 20 years of sobriety, and many years in Alanon. I dusted it off, picked it up, and started working it with the passion of a drowning man. And as a result, I’ve been able to truly love my life. – James

“… leave behind the gray, angry world of loneliness… ” — The 12 Steps: A Way Out

This is exactly what happened to me in AA and AlAnon, but I didn’t even know I was alone in my anger. I was just unhappy.

Today I can’t imagine a life without the laughter, camaraderie, intimacy, craziness, and support of others in recovery – thousands of brothers and sisters. When I put myself in the center of them all, take direction, share my truth, listen and reach out my hand, I am filled up with love and friendship.

It’s true, the program helps me stay away from drugs and alcohol, and deal with others in their disease, but even more than that, it gives me a place and purpose, while showing me how to love my life. Those are precious things that are very hard to find in this world.

I’m so grateful. ILML – James

“Like barnacles on a ship’s hull, our past wrongdoings can prevent us from sailing smoothly to a life filled with peace.” — The 12 Steps: A Way Out

The great thing about working the 12 steps each year, one each month, is I get to see gems like this. My attempts to control, my fears, character defects, expectations, resentments, and past hurts are all barnacles that need to be scraped off. I’ll probably not get every one of them, and some persistently grow back, but the process of cleaning them off forces me to focus on myself, leading to increased humility and self esteem. I really do love this 12 step process — it rocks. And, of course, ILML! – James

“His life actually depends upon obedience to spiritual principles… he discovers a way of life he really wants to live… he finds he cannot keep this priceless gift unless he gives it away.” 12&12 p130

This really is a priceless gift. Not only sobriety, but recovery too. I love growing and learning in this program, and it happens when I’m doing loving things, thinking loving thoughts, and staying in gratitude. Just got back to Maui after a great trip with family in Santa Monica. I’m a very grateful guy. And, ILML! – James

A NOTE ON THE WORD OBEDIENCE

After writing today’s blog I realized the word obedience was really rubbing me the wrong way. Kind of like the word ‘Amen’ used to, often spoken at the end of the Serenity Prayer in meetings. It felt way to religious for me to say. To get over that one, I looked it up and discovered one definition of Amen was ‘I agree’. I never had a problem agreeing with the Serenity Prayer and never had a problem saying that word any more.

One of the reasons the word ‘obedience’ bothered me is that it feels like someone is trying to control me and tell me what to do. I hate that. You see I’m rebellious in nature. As it says on page 31, “defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic.”.
The truth is, often times I want to be in control and to be “right”, so that no one can blame me and say I’m ‘wrong’. I’ve done a lot of work on this type of thinking, and it’s not quite as prevalent as it used to be, but it still crops up way too often, especially when I’m spiritually disconnected.

So I looked up the etymology of the word ‘obedience’ this morning. It sent me to the word ‘obey.’ There I discovered one source fir the word was the Latin word ‘obedire’, which literally translated means to ‘listen to’. So my defiance is technically me saying “I don’t want to ‘listen to’ spiritual principles. No, wait, I actually do want to be guided by those principles.

Ok, so I found a way to get over my distaste for the word ‘obedience’. Now I can say (with a smile on my face) I want to be obedient to my wife, I want to be obedient to God, I want to be obedient to my kids. It still feels uncomfortable, but I’m smart enough to know that it was my contempt of the word prior to investigation that led me to judge it. I also know that I really do want to be a good listener, which technically means I want to be good at being obedient.

Thanks for your obedience to me today… 🙂

“Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us … now we begin to have a spiritual experience… We feel we are on the Broad Highway walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.” BB of 75

After reading this, and finishing step 5, I thought that I would forever feel at peace, never be fearful again, and always feel the presence of my HP. But my sponsor told me, if that were true, why bother with the remaining 7 steps? He pointed out the words like “we can” and “we begin”, reminding me that, although I will begin to experience peace, start surrendering fears, and feel the presence of a loving God, I must continue the work if I want to have them in my daily life. So I finished my steps, felt great, and then slowly over the next 10 years or so, lost my connection, lost my peace, and became fearful – all in sobriety.

In 2002, at 20 years sober, and again finding myself experiencing another emotional hangover, I embarked on a new rigorous, daily program of action.

Aside from prayer, meetings and sponsorship, the meat of my program was my Golden Hour.

Each morning I would spend an hour or more reading both program and recovery literature. Then I would choose one reading and send out a spiritual text (like this – but shorter) to my recovery group. During that time I meditated, did a 10th step, wrote a gratitude list, and planned my meeting. Afterwards I made some 12 step phone calls.

Today, at 31 years sober, this is still my ritual, and it really is what puts me at peace, in acceptance, reduces my fears, and connects me to my HP – which is my source of love and gratitude. Although I still have problems, things don’t go my way, and people don’t act as I wish, my ability to let Go and let God is greatly increased, and I can much more easily find happiness, contentment and gratitude, regardless of what is happening with the people, places and things in my life. ILML – James