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Right or Happy

“ When someone says something to me and I have a strong reaction – wanting to cry, wanting to rage, or thinking I am inferior – I stop and visualize two doors. One is marked “Same old, same old” or “My Will.” The other is marked “New and different” or “God’s Will.” … other people’s behavior belongs to them and I don’t have to make it mine by reacting to it.” – Hope For Today p. 312

This is exactly the type of reminder that encourages me to change my icky behavior. Lately I’ve been hyper-aware of this glowing defect that seems to stubbornly rear it’s ugly head up and out of my mouth: I’m reacting to others words – especially my wife’s.

You would think with so many years in recovery, and working my program so diligently, I’d be cured of this destructive defect. And knowing how much it hurts her, while loving her so much, that I would be able to retrain my reactions. But for some reason, I’m having a difficult time pausing, listening, and saying ‘you may be right’ or ‘would you like me to just listen’ or ‘can I have some time to think about what you’ve said before I respond’.

I’ve used these simple words in the past and what they do for me is allow me to consider what she is saying and actually give myself permission to not have to respond immediately. These tools work really, really well. Still, as I said, lately I haven’t been using them.

That’s why I’m so grateful for the readings I do each day. They remind me that i have a choice. I can be right or happy. I want happy. And I’m willing to take the action to get it. Just finished speaking at a meeting. Now eating an avocado burrito. ILML! – James

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A Wonderful Thing

“When we allow ourselves to be broken open by life rather than broken down by it, we begin to be grateful for the difficulties themselves… When we live from this place long enough, we begin actually to inhabit gratitude, our every inhalation and exhalation a breath of thanksgiving no matter what is going on in the external world.” – Attitudes of Gratitude

Gratitude is the magic cure for all emotional sickness. The more secret ways we can find to get into gratitude when we are ill, the more consistently we will love our lives, and share that love of life with others.

This discovery has encouraged me to seek new ways of getting back into gratitude when I’m feeling uncomfortable. I’ve searched on the internet. I’ve asked happy people. I’ve read books about gratitude. I’ve shared what I know about gratitude with others. All of these methods have revealed more tools for me to use.

The truth is, difficulties in life are inevitable. Without them, there would be no comparison to recognize comfort, no opportunity for achievement, no growth. And although we can search for tools, none of them will work unless we practice them. So I’ve made peace with the idea that I will have struggles in life. But I’ve also learned to pick up the tools I’ve discovered, and continue trying to use them.

Ultimately, what that means for me is that my recovery time, from discomfort to life loving, is shortened. Less time feeling bad; more time feeling good. And that’s a wonderful thing for a guy like me.

In Orlando Florida at the ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex. ILML!

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Take It Please

“Thy will be done.” The moment I can say that, and let go, that moment more than ninety-nine parts in a hundred of my troubles drop away.” – 12 Step Prayer Book

When I remember to say ‘Thy will be done’, it reminds me to let go. That’s the harder part for me. But when I close my eyes, really think about what’s troubling me, and then say ‘here God, I’m tired of stressing on this thing, you take it please’ I can truly feel some relief. The funny thing is that nothing has changed on the outside, but I really do feel better on the inside. I’m so grateful for the little tricks that make my moments more peaceful. ILML!

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Birthday Gifts

“The strength of Alcoholics Anonymous lies in the desire of each member and of each group around the world to share with other alcoholics their suffering and the steps taken to gain, and maintain, recovery. By keeping a conscious contact with my Higher Power, I make sure that I always nurture my desire to help other alcoholics, thus insuring the continuity of the wonderful fraternity of Alcoholics Anonymous.” – 12&12 p.151

This concept, which also applies to AlAnon and all of our 12 step programs, is at its essence so sweet and pure.

We’ve suffered. We discovered a solution. We found a Higher Power. If we stay closely connected to that power, we will instinctually desire to share the solution with others who have, and often are still, suffering. And here’s the best part:

When we are connected and helping others, we are less likely to suffer ourselves. And if we do find ourselves suffering, the simplest way out is to reconnect and be of service. Here’s a quick example.

This morning I was cranky. I’ve been disconnected, on a softball trip with my wife and daughter. Trying to be of service but feel the edginess creeping in. This morning I almost lost it. So I came to Starbucks and started doing my rituals (reading, spiritual blog/text, journaling, etc). All the while knowing I have very little time, a game will be starting soon.

Then I noticed a woman in line. A man after her decided to create his own line. She got confused and left the line to stand behind him. I said “I think you were in the right line”. She said, ” it’s ok, I’m trying to go with the flow, it’s my birthday.” I wished her a Happy Birthday, and went back to my rituals.

In reading about service I decided to get up and just after she ordered I cut in and told the Barista that I would like to buy her drink.

This small act lifted me up a bit. She said I made her day. I felt good. She felt good. The Barista thought it was nice and wished her a Happy Birthday too. I came back to my rituals and starting writing this blog.

Here’s the end result: I’m not so upset at my wife or the situation. I can breath a little easier. I like the idea of just being helpful and loving on this trip again, where a half hour ago I was resentful. I had to take some action, then become aware of the service opportunity that presented itself, and ultimately step up to perform a random act of kindness — but the reward reinforces how well working the program works for me.

I’m grateful to be alive, sober and in the solution today. Now I’ve gotta rush off to softball and hope my daughter hits another one over the fence, like she did yesterday, for my birthday. ILML 🙂 – James

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Magic Carpet Ride

“Courage is not the absence of fear. It’s choosing to act with love in spite of the fear”. – Courage to Change

I’ve also heard it said that “courage is fear that’s said it’s prayers”. Both of these statement identify my personal Higher Power, love, as the solution to fear. Simple concept, but not always so easy to practice.

In all these years of recovery I’ve still yet to overcome fear. Even when I’m in a super wonderful life-loving place, and everything appears to be going just swell, my fear seems to be on stand-by, rather than having completely disappeared. And when I question why, fear speaks to me and says “it’s only prudent that I hang close by, something – anything – could go wrong at any moment. Best if I’m here for you”.

Money. Relationships. Work. Health. Depression. Resentment. Lack of control. Unmet expectations. So many things to fear. So much misery on that side of the mind.

Although I haven’t figured out how to eradicate fear, nor do I necessarily think that would be a good thing (car swerving towards me, dog barking off a leash, etc), I have figured out how best to handle it when it comes up. Here’s my solution.

First, I’ve become VERY good at recognizing fear. Regardless of the disguise – anger, frustration, sadness – I learned that most, if not all, of my uncomfortable feelings have their roots entwined in some sort of fear. Therefore, my rule is simple: if I’m uncomfortable I’ll ask myself “what could I possibly be afraid of now?” If it’s not an immediate threat that I can resolve this instant, I continue on to the next step.

After I’ve identified that I’m in fear, I remind myself that the opposite of fear is faith, and that fear is the darkroom where negatives get developed. There is one sure way out of the darkroom, through the door of faith. This is my first glimmer of hope to get away from fear.

Since my Higher Power is love, and I know the feeling of love, the final step is closing my eyes and getting on that magic carpet. As I imagine all the love I’ve experienced in life – my children’s smiles, laughter and hugs; my wife’s embraces and gentle kisses; my Mom squeezing me fresh orange juice and making me buttered, rye toast; my dad singing with me while I play guitar – I begin to feel myself being swept away, literally transported, away from fear and into the sunlight of life.

This may sound sappy, but once you’ve experienced this feeling, you’ll realize how fantastic it is to be able to conquer your fear with just your imagination. No need to try and fix bad things today that may never even happen in the future.

And when I want to take it to the next level, and completely shut the door on fear, I put my earbuds in and start listening to the BrickHouse Station on Pandora (hard to stay in fear while listening, dancing and singing out loud to ‘Play That Funky Music WhiteBoy’).

I’ve been asked before what happens to the THING I’m fearing. Perhaps I’m just burying my head in the sand, or whistling in the dark?

If I was the type of person that didn’t consistently take action towards improving my life, I might acknowledge that they have a point. But, I’m all about action. So I tell them that it’s true, there is the possibility that the THING I’m fearing may be looming, lurking, and waiting. It may actually even happen. But since I can’t predict the future, and since there’s the chance that the THING may never come to fruition, I would rather assume that some wonderful, amazing, great THING may happen instead.

As its been said many times, we manifest our lives. What we think is what we become. What we concentrate on gets magnified. If that’s true, I hope we all banish the concept of bad, scary, unhappy THINGS in our future. Instead, just for today, let’s visualize the most wonderful future anyone could ever experience. Come with me on my magic carpet ride! ILML – James

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Level 5 Storms

“I know how insane I was…” – Daily Reflections

I first heard the phrase “emotional hangover” in the rooms of AlAnon. The moment I heard it, I related. This phrase embodies the feeling I experience after I’ve been through the eye of the hurricane of insanity – most often with someone else.

These bouts of insanity frequently took place during my drinking and using days, but what stands out more is how, many years into recovery, I still find myself, on occasion, in the engaging in insanity with others. And now knowing the way to avoid it, but not doing so, makes these experiences even worse.

Sometimes it’s me who has lost control, disconnected from my higher power and the loving state of consciousness which I try to stay centered in. Sometimes it’s the other person who has temporarily gone crazy. The Level 5 storms occur when both of us have lost our grip on sanity.

The end result: an emotional hangover. So much unless drama, when what I strive for is peace, kindness, tranquility and love. So what’s the solution?

First I must make sure I’m taking care of myself emotionally, on a daily basis. I must pay attention to HALT: never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I must feed myself spiritually, regardless of how busy I am. If I don’t put these things first, I’m surely opening the opportunity for insanity to enter my life.

Next, I must set healthy boundaries for myself, and understand what I will do if these boundaries are crossed. Then follow through by taking that action I committed to when my boundary is not respected. These boundaries aren’t designed to hurt or punish others, but to keep myself safe and avoid drama. For example, if someone swears at me or puts me down I’ve decided I will detach by walking away or hanging up the phone. Amazing how quickly others understand that their behavior won’t be accepted by me.

Today, I’m much better at setting boundaries and knowing what I’ll do if they are violated. I may not always follow through, but the good news is that my emotional slips are less frequent than ever.

Grateful for the solutions I’ve discovered in the rooms and very lucky that, because of them, ILML!

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Plan, Predict & Expect

“Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package… As we surrender we experience our frustration and anger… then… pain and sadness. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we (finally) surrender.” – The Language of Letting Go

This reading reminds me how much I like things in control – specifically my control. But when I plan, predict and expect a certain outcome (from a person, place or thing) that is comfortable for me, I set myself up for potential disappointment. Doing my best, then surrendering the results – before they are shown to me – is the best way for me to love life – no matter what. And today, I do LML! – James

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You May Be Right

“Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.” — 12&12 p.91-92

This is, for me, perhaps one of the most important passages in the 12&12. Restraint of pen and tongue.

I was attending an AlAnon meeting in Malibu about 15 years ago when this very old woman, a longtime member, said “The best thing I ever learned in AlAnon was to keep my mouth shut. This has saved me from more pain and suffering than you can possibly imagine.”

A few years later I heard someone else in a meeting say “My sponsor told me that whenever my spouse starts saying something that upsets me, or something I disagree with, the best thing for me to say is ‘You may be right’. Saying this will remind me to let go and let God.

The program and members of the fellowship continually show me a new, better way to approach others. A way in which I can escape drama, frustration and hurt feelings. The simple tools I learn aren’t always so easy to remember or employ, but when I do, my life is tremendously more peaceful.

ILML – James

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Get Peaceful First

“Today, I will get peaceful first, and let my work and life emerge from that base”. — The Language of Letting Go

This idea is the fundamental reasoning why I do my recovery rituals in the morning BEFORE work. All the decisions I make, and interactions I have with others, will surely turn out better when my thinking is along spiritual lines. Even when I’m running late (like today), I make some time to get centered. For me it’s worth every minute, because the result is that ILML! – James

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The Ultimate Goal

“Worries about things not done yesterday and fear of tomorrow’s deadlines denied me the calm I needed to be effective each day.” — Daily Reflections

If I really want peace, success and happiness, I must surrender ALL my fears, and release my ties to yesterday. Only by consciously doing this, each time yesterday’s upset and tomorrow’s fear try to dominate my mind, will I get to love my life. And for a recovering AA and AlAnon like me, loving life is the ultimate goal. Luckily, today…. ILML! – James