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Take It Please

“Thy will be done.” The moment I can say that, and let go, that moment more than ninety-nine parts in a hundred of my troubles drop away.” – 12 Step Prayer Book

When I remember to say ‘Thy will be done’, it reminds me to let go. That’s the harder part for me. But when I close my eyes, really think about what’s troubling me, and then say ‘here God, I’m tired of stressing on this thing, you take it please’ I can truly feel some relief. The funny thing is that nothing has changed on the outside, but I really do feel better on the inside. I’m so grateful for the little tricks that make my moments more peaceful. ILML!

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Birthday Gifts

“The strength of Alcoholics Anonymous lies in the desire of each member and of each group around the world to share with other alcoholics their suffering and the steps taken to gain, and maintain, recovery. By keeping a conscious contact with my Higher Power, I make sure that I always nurture my desire to help other alcoholics, thus insuring the continuity of the wonderful fraternity of Alcoholics Anonymous.” – 12&12 p.151

This concept, which also applies to AlAnon and all of our 12 step programs, is at its essence so sweet and pure.

We’ve suffered. We discovered a solution. We found a Higher Power. If we stay closely connected to that power, we will instinctually desire to share the solution with others who have, and often are still, suffering. And here’s the best part:

When we are connected and helping others, we are less likely to suffer ourselves. And if we do find ourselves suffering, the simplest way out is to reconnect and be of service. Here’s a quick example.

This morning I was cranky. I’ve been disconnected, on a softball trip with my wife and daughter. Trying to be of service but feel the edginess creeping in. This morning I almost lost it. So I came to Starbucks and started doing my rituals (reading, spiritual blog/text, journaling, etc). All the while knowing I have very little time, a game will be starting soon.

Then I noticed a woman in line. A man after her decided to create his own line. She got confused and left the line to stand behind him. I said “I think you were in the right line”. She said, ” it’s ok, I’m trying to go with the flow, it’s my birthday.” I wished her a Happy Birthday, and went back to my rituals.

In reading about service I decided to get up and just after she ordered I cut in and told the Barista that I would like to buy her drink.

This small act lifted me up a bit. She said I made her day. I felt good. She felt good. The Barista thought it was nice and wished her a Happy Birthday too. I came back to my rituals and starting writing this blog.

Here’s the end result: I’m not so upset at my wife or the situation. I can breath a little easier. I like the idea of just being helpful and loving on this trip again, where a half hour ago I was resentful. I had to take some action, then become aware of the service opportunity that presented itself, and ultimately step up to perform a random act of kindness — but the reward reinforces how well working the program works for me.

I’m grateful to be alive, sober and in the solution today. Now I’ve gotta rush off to softball and hope my daughter hits another one over the fence, like she did yesterday, for my birthday. ILML 🙂 – James

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Magic Carpet Ride

“Courage is not the absence of fear. It’s choosing to act with love in spite of the fear”. – Courage to Change

I’ve also heard it said that “courage is fear that’s said it’s prayers”. Both of these statement identify my personal Higher Power, love, as the solution to fear. Simple concept, but not always so easy to practice.

In all these years of recovery I’ve still yet to overcome fear. Even when I’m in a super wonderful life-loving place, and everything appears to be going just swell, my fear seems to be on stand-by, rather than having completely disappeared. And when I question why, fear speaks to me and says “it’s only prudent that I hang close by, something – anything – could go wrong at any moment. Best if I’m here for you”.

Money. Relationships. Work. Health. Depression. Resentment. Lack of control. Unmet expectations. So many things to fear. So much misery on that side of the mind.

Although I haven’t figured out how to eradicate fear, nor do I necessarily think that would be a good thing (car swerving towards me, dog barking off a leash, etc), I have figured out how best to handle it when it comes up. Here’s my solution.

First, I’ve become VERY good at recognizing fear. Regardless of the disguise – anger, frustration, sadness – I learned that most, if not all, of my uncomfortable feelings have their roots entwined in some sort of fear. Therefore, my rule is simple: if I’m uncomfortable I’ll ask myself “what could I possibly be afraid of now?” If it’s not an immediate threat that I can resolve this instant, I continue on to the next step.

After I’ve identified that I’m in fear, I remind myself that the opposite of fear is faith, and that fear is the darkroom where negatives get developed. There is one sure way out of the darkroom, through the door of faith. This is my first glimmer of hope to get away from fear.

Since my Higher Power is love, and I know the feeling of love, the final step is closing my eyes and getting on that magic carpet. As I imagine all the love I’ve experienced in life – my children’s smiles, laughter and hugs; my wife’s embraces and gentle kisses; my Mom squeezing me fresh orange juice and making me buttered, rye toast; my dad singing with me while I play guitar – I begin to feel myself being swept away, literally transported, away from fear and into the sunlight of life.

This may sound sappy, but once you’ve experienced this feeling, you’ll realize how fantastic it is to be able to conquer your fear with just your imagination. No need to try and fix bad things today that may never even happen in the future.

And when I want to take it to the next level, and completely shut the door on fear, I put my earbuds in and start listening to the BrickHouse Station on Pandora (hard to stay in fear while listening, dancing and singing out loud to ‘Play That Funky Music WhiteBoy’).

I’ve been asked before what happens to the THING I’m fearing. Perhaps I’m just burying my head in the sand, or whistling in the dark?

If I was the type of person that didn’t consistently take action towards improving my life, I might acknowledge that they have a point. But, I’m all about action. So I tell them that it’s true, there is the possibility that the THING I’m fearing may be looming, lurking, and waiting. It may actually even happen. But since I can’t predict the future, and since there’s the chance that the THING may never come to fruition, I would rather assume that some wonderful, amazing, great THING may happen instead.

As its been said many times, we manifest our lives. What we think is what we become. What we concentrate on gets magnified. If that’s true, I hope we all banish the concept of bad, scary, unhappy THINGS in our future. Instead, just for today, let’s visualize the most wonderful future anyone could ever experience. Come with me on my magic carpet ride! ILML – James

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Level 5 Storms

“I know how insane I was…” – Daily Reflections

I first heard the phrase “emotional hangover” in the rooms of AlAnon. The moment I heard it, I related. This phrase embodies the feeling I experience after I’ve been through the eye of the hurricane of insanity – most often with someone else.

These bouts of insanity frequently took place during my drinking and using days, but what stands out more is how, many years into recovery, I still find myself, on occasion, in the engaging in insanity with others. And now knowing the way to avoid it, but not doing so, makes these experiences even worse.

Sometimes it’s me who has lost control, disconnected from my higher power and the loving state of consciousness which I try to stay centered in. Sometimes it’s the other person who has temporarily gone crazy. The Level 5 storms occur when both of us have lost our grip on sanity.

The end result: an emotional hangover. So much unless drama, when what I strive for is peace, kindness, tranquility and love. So what’s the solution?

First I must make sure I’m taking care of myself emotionally, on a daily basis. I must pay attention to HALT: never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I must feed myself spiritually, regardless of how busy I am. If I don’t put these things first, I’m surely opening the opportunity for insanity to enter my life.

Next, I must set healthy boundaries for myself, and understand what I will do if these boundaries are crossed. Then follow through by taking that action I committed to when my boundary is not respected. These boundaries aren’t designed to hurt or punish others, but to keep myself safe and avoid drama. For example, if someone swears at me or puts me down I’ve decided I will detach by walking away or hanging up the phone. Amazing how quickly others understand that their behavior won’t be accepted by me.

Today, I’m much better at setting boundaries and knowing what I’ll do if they are violated. I may not always follow through, but the good news is that my emotional slips are less frequent than ever.

Grateful for the solutions I’ve discovered in the rooms and very lucky that, because of them, ILML!

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Plan, Predict & Expect

“Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package… As we surrender we experience our frustration and anger… then… pain and sadness. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we (finally) surrender.” – The Language of Letting Go

This reading reminds me how much I like things in control – specifically my control. But when I plan, predict and expect a certain outcome (from a person, place or thing) that is comfortable for me, I set myself up for potential disappointment. Doing my best, then surrendering the results – before they are shown to me – is the best way for me to love life – no matter what. And today, I do LML! – James

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You May Be Right

“Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.” — 12&12 p.91-92

This is, for me, perhaps one of the most important passages in the 12&12. Restraint of pen and tongue.

I was attending an AlAnon meeting in Malibu about 15 years ago when this very old woman, a longtime member, said “The best thing I ever learned in AlAnon was to keep my mouth shut. This has saved me from more pain and suffering than you can possibly imagine.”

A few years later I heard someone else in a meeting say “My sponsor told me that whenever my spouse starts saying something that upsets me, or something I disagree with, the best thing for me to say is ‘You may be right’. Saying this will remind me to let go and let God.

The program and members of the fellowship continually show me a new, better way to approach others. A way in which I can escape drama, frustration and hurt feelings. The simple tools I learn aren’t always so easy to remember or employ, but when I do, my life is tremendously more peaceful.

ILML – James

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Get Peaceful First

“Today, I will get peaceful first, and let my work and life emerge from that base”. — The Language of Letting Go

This idea is the fundamental reasoning why I do my recovery rituals in the morning BEFORE work. All the decisions I make, and interactions I have with others, will surely turn out better when my thinking is along spiritual lines. Even when I’m running late (like today), I make some time to get centered. For me it’s worth every minute, because the result is that ILML! – James

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The Ultimate Goal

“Worries about things not done yesterday and fear of tomorrow’s deadlines denied me the calm I needed to be effective each day.” — Daily Reflections

If I really want peace, success and happiness, I must surrender ALL my fears, and release my ties to yesterday. Only by consciously doing this, each time yesterday’s upset and tomorrow’s fear try to dominate my mind, will I get to love my life. And for a recovering AA and AlAnon like me, loving life is the ultimate goal. Luckily, today…. ILML! – James

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How Much Pain?

“In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life.” 12&12 p.75

The question is, how much pain? How much suffering? Every one of us that has come into these 12 step rooms has experienced their share of pain and suffering and, most likely, caused some for others too.

After over 30 years I’ve come to the conclusion that most of us fall into one of two categories: victims or blamers. Of course, all of us have, at one time or another, blamed and felt like a victim. But in working with others I have noticed a district difference between these two types of recovering individuals.

First, a little about the blamer. I’m one of them, so I speak from extensive experience. As such, I’ll use the first person tense here.

My tendency to blame comes primarily from a fear of being wrong. I came from an alcoholic home, my dad was a black out drunk and physically abusive. Being wrong, or for that matter attracting any attention, could easily result in tremendous physical pain. I had two brothers and the best option for self preservation was to blame one or both of them. I know, not very nice. This fear of being wrong was indelibly etched into my being, and followed me through my life, long after it had any value. In fact, I discovered that blaming pushes others away and prevents me from the opportunity to take responsibility and change the things I can. It’s the opposite of humility and prevents growth.

I have heard many people say things like “Wow, issues from childhood, daddy issues, when are you going to get over it?” Well I’m her to say that, at least for me, I haven’t done so yet. But I’m working on it and have made tremendous progress. My belief is that spiritual development and healing character defects is a lifelong progress. I’m gentle with myself and, at the same time, encourage others to call me on my shit so I can continue becoming the man I want to be.

Now about the victim. From my childhood I have some experience with this too, though not quite as much. My wife, years ago, was constantly rubbing her fingers together over her shoulder when I would tell her how hurt I was. I legitimately thought I was opening up to her, explaining how hard it was for me. What she told me was she was playing the world’s smallest violin because I was talking like a victim. That’s dangerous behavior for an alcoholic. We’ve all heard the saying ‘Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.’ Her violin pointed out something I needed to hear – stop playing the victim James, it’s boring. Plus it may lead to drinking. Well her song worked on me. I’m rarely playing the victim these days (though I still blame my poor wife too often).

But victimization for many of us in the program manifests itself much more deeply. Often, as a result of events that have happened in their lives, these members have a hard time seeing how wonderful they are. Sometimes playing the victim was a way to get attention. Others, like myself, were truly victimized growing up. Looking in the mirror and saying ‘I love you’ while looking into their eyes is difficult, if not impossible. The idea that they are a victim and/or are not deserving of the good things life has to offer has been deeply ingrained in them. Rather than feeling great, with moments of feeling bad, many feel bad, with moments of feeling just ok. This is tragic. I have a harder time helping those people in my 12 step work. But many have found that exercises like writing gratitude lists, saying ‘I love my life’ out loud, and looking in the mirror saying all the things they love about themselves tends to help.

The blamer is hurting others and pushing them away. The victim is hurting themselves, and also pushing others away. Both these behaviors cause repeated pain. It is only when the pain is too much, when it’s so great that we can’t take it anymore, that we finally surrender and ask for help. For many, it’s the pain that leads us to recovery. But many of us that have been in the recovery for a long time also suffer great pain and misery. This often happens when we’ve strayed from working the program and being in the solution. Either way it’s a wake up call. A red light. A warning that if we don’t get into action soon, something bad will happen. Disaster is looming, but there is a way out.

It says in the Big Book on page 19, “… pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.” That was my solution at 20 years of sobriety, and many years in Alanon. I dusted it off, picked it up, and started working it with the passion of a drowning man. And as a result, I’ve been able to truly love my life. – James

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Place & Purpose

“… leave behind the gray, angry world of loneliness… ” — The 12 Steps: A Way Out

This is exactly what happened to me in AA and AlAnon, but I didn’t even know I was alone in my anger. I was just unhappy.

Today I can’t imagine a life without the laughter, camaraderie, intimacy, craziness, and support of others in recovery – thousands of brothers and sisters. When I put myself in the center of them all, take direction, share my truth, listen and reach out my hand, I am filled up with love and friendship.

It’s true, the program helps me stay away from drugs and alcohol, and deal with others in their disease, but even more than that, it gives me a place and purpose, while showing me how to love my life. Those are precious things that are very hard to find in this world.

I’m so grateful. ILML – James