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Barnacles

“Like barnacles on a ship’s hull, our past wrongdoings can prevent us from sailing smoothly to a life filled with peace.” — The 12 Steps: A Way Out

The great thing about working the 12 steps each year, one each month, is I get to see gems like this. My attempts to control, my fears, character defects, expectations, resentments, and past hurts are all barnacles that need to be scraped off. I’ll probably not get every one of them, and some persistently grow back, but the process of cleaning them off forces me to focus on myself, leading to increased humility and self esteem. I really do love this 12 step process — it rocks. And, of course, ILML! – James

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Emotional Turbulance

“When in the roller coaster of emotional turmoil … If I am to have serenity, I must STEP my way past emotional turmoil and its subsequent hangover, and be grateful for continuing spiritual progress.” — Daily Reflections

How do I know if emotional turbulence is coming my way? Simple. If I start feeling uneasy as someone is talking to me. If I’m upset the driver in front of me is going slow. If something I expected or really wanted doesn’t happen. If I feel sad, angry, hurt, lonely, confused, frustrated, or tired. These are the signs I look for, and it’s critical to see and respond to them quickly. What works well for me is writing down all these emotional triggers and next to them writing the response that will lead me back to serenity. I challenge you to try it. And if your so inclined, send me your solutions – and I’ll send you mine. TOGETHER we all get to be happy, joyous and free. ILML! – James

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S.P.O.A.

“It’s easy to let up on the spiritual program of action… We are headed for trouble if we do…” Alcoholics Anonymous p.85

What exactly is a Spiritual Program of Action? I honestly never knew until, one day after a fight my wife said “Maybe you should start working a program!”. With a look of utter disbelief and shock I said “Me? I’m 20 years sober! I work a damn good program!” But when she asked me what my program I work on a daily basis is, I had trouble giving her an answer.

That was the beginning of my search for a Spiritual Program of Action. I searched 12 Step literature and the web. I interviewed old timers that spoke of things like morning rituals and golden hours. I was determined to find the best Spiritual Program of Action in the world, and work it rigorously in order that she could never again say those words to me.

Today, when asked about it, she’ll tell others that her plan worked. She wanted me to get better, nicer and more compassionate. To focus on gratitude and not judge, blame, belittle or demean others. To stop with the righteousness and know-it-all-ism, as well as the need to control and have it my way. To just be more loving. To listen.

These are the same things I want. Working my Spiritual Program of Action gives me those things. It encourages me to move out of darkness and into light. But, as they often say at the end of some of our meetings, it only works if I work it. And like the reading at the top of this post points out, as soon as I let up on my Spiritual Program of Action, my old icky thinking and behaviors come rushing back into practice.

That’s usually about when my wife says “how is your Spiritual Program of Action going?” Ouch!

One Little Note
Now you know it is possible to go 20 years in recovery without having and working a Spiritual Program of Action. However, I suggest you spare yourself (and others) the misery. If you don’t have or work one yet, here are a couple suggestions:

• Start small. Carve out 10 minutes a day.

• Choose 1-2 books. Read a paragraph or page at most from each.

• Get a journal. Write a little daily. Be honest, but don’t write anything in it that could hurt you or others if found. Always end with a list of gratitudes.

• Be consistent. Try not to miss a day.

My experience is, that when I make my Spiritual Program of Action a priority every day (and did it in the morning before most of my daily interactions with others) it grows little by little. I, and others around me, notice the change in attitude. And best of all, I get to love my life! – James

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Persuasion Mode

“It’s important to express my ideas. It is also important to accept the outcome.”
— Courage to Change

These two little sentences have particular relevance to me. I love expressing my ideas, that’s not my problem. My challenge has been accepting others’ reaction to them. I’m a people pleaser who wants people to agree with me. When they disagree, the temptation is to enter into “persuasion mode”, where I attempt, with a vast array of manipulative tools, to get them to agree. Guess what I discovered? People don’t like it when I do that. So today, by working the program, I’m learning to surrender their reaction and be open to hearing their point of view. I’m still stubborn, but I’m doing a lot better these days, and grateful for that. It’s an amazing day to be alive and ILML! – James

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The Trick

“When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love …” — As Bill Sees It (in today’s Daily Reflections)

It’s ridiculously simply. If I want to be a messenger of love to everyone around me, I simply need to feel grateful. And doing that is actually quite easy. When I make (or sometime just read) my gratitude list, it happens. The trick for me, is to remember to make the list when I’m uncomfortable for any reason whatsoever. If I keep a small gratitude book in my pocket, or use my smartphone, I can ALWAYS get back to love (which to me, is another word for God). ILML!!!! — James

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The Pain of Deceit

“Although I cannot do anything about the waves rolling into my life, I can hand the tiller of my life over to God and trust that I will be steered to safety.” Hope For Today

Recently I had a loved one lie to me. I had asked them to respect my boundaries and they didn’t. Then they lied about it tony face. Several times. It hurt deeply. I felt betrayed and confused. This is pure Alanon. I never set a consequence for crossing my boundary or lying. So now I’m going through the emotional hangover. I can’t stop the lying or deceit, but I called my sponsor, set clear boundaries with consequences (I will enforce), and am surrendering the past hurt, the future fear, and the uncomfortable feelings. But they keep coming up. And I keep surrendering them. This is my process. I know this will pass and am grateful for the program and opportunity to grow. And yes, even with these struggles, ILML! – James

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Stay Present

C2C “Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days. . .. What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This reminds me of the line in the BB: “to the precise extent that we permit these (resentments) do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile”. The word ‘these’ can refer to many things in life and in today’s case, lost days. I don’t want to lose time looking back anymore. Today I’m going to do what I’ve always wanted to do, stay present, and grow… iLmL – Richie

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Priceless Gift of Obedience

“His life actually depends upon obedience to spiritual principles… he discovers a way of life he really wants to live… he finds he cannot keep this priceless gift unless he gives it away.” 12&12 p130

This really is a priceless gift. Not only sobriety, but recovery too. I love growing and learning in this program, and it happens when I’m doing loving things, thinking loving thoughts, and staying in gratitude. Just got back to Maui after a great trip with family in Santa Monica. I’m a very grateful guy. And, ILML! – James

A NOTE ON THE WORD OBEDIENCE

After writing today’s blog I realized the word obedience was really rubbing me the wrong way. Kind of like the word ‘Amen’ used to, often spoken at the end of the Serenity Prayer in meetings. It felt way to religious for me to say. To get over that one, I looked it up and discovered one definition of Amen was ‘I agree’. I never had a problem agreeing with the Serenity Prayer and never had a problem saying that word any more.

One of the reasons the word ‘obedience’ bothered me is that it feels like someone is trying to control me and tell me what to do. I hate that. You see I’m rebellious in nature. As it says on page 31, “defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic.”.
The truth is, often times I want to be in control and to be “right”, so that no one can blame me and say I’m ‘wrong’. I’ve done a lot of work on this type of thinking, and it’s not quite as prevalent as it used to be, but it still crops up way too often, especially when I’m spiritually disconnected.

So I looked up the etymology of the word ‘obedience’ this morning. It sent me to the word ‘obey.’ There I discovered one source fir the word was the Latin word ‘obedire’, which literally translated means to ‘listen to’. So my defiance is technically me saying “I don’t want to ‘listen to’ spiritual principles. No, wait, I actually do want to be guided by those principles.

Ok, so I found a way to get over my distaste for the word ‘obedience’. Now I can say (with a smile on my face) I want to be obedient to my wife, I want to be obedient to God, I want to be obedient to my kids. It still feels uncomfortable, but I’m smart enough to know that it was my contempt of the word prior to investigation that led me to judge it. I also know that I really do want to be a good listener, which technically means I want to be good at being obedient.

Thanks for your obedience to me today… 🙂

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Discovering Me

“… I have found that the process of discovering who I really am begins with knowing who I really don’t want to be.”
― Alcoholics Anonymous

Several nights ago I was asked to be the speaker at a meeting which required the selecting & reading of a passage from the Big Book. I choose the one above, as it gave me an opportunity to reflect on the fact that I’m grateful I no longer think, act or feel the way I did before sobriety. I didn’t have to do the typical drunk-a-logue, though in a round about sort of way, I shared what that James looked like (not a pretty picture). I shared mostly how AA and AlAnon, and the tools I use from them, have transformed me as a person – from thoughts to feelings to actions. I like this new James a while lot better – and so does my family. I think that everyone on this road is very fortunate to have the chance to evolve into a happier, kinder and better person. I certainly know I am. Off to beautiful Stockton (:-) to get an early start on Softball Tournaments this weekend. ILML! – James

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Soul Medicine

“… The consciousness of God’s love … brings wonderful relief from the cares and worries of our daily lives. Relief brings peace and peace brings contentment. Try to walk in God’s love.” – Twenty Four Hours A Day

I once heard someone say “be careful of what you’re thinking, your mind is listening.” That was a very important lesson for me. The more I think about the problem, or the fear, or a resentment, the more I tend to manifest what comes out of those thoughts. But like the quote from 24 Hours, when I think of God (love/gratitude) I am relived of stress, I calm down and I suddenly feel, once again, at peace. God consciousness is good medicine for my soul. ILML! – James