step work

A Concrete Set of Actions
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A Concrete Set of Actions

“Beginning with childhood, we all receive messages that… we must have… possessions, and prestige to be happy… giving what we have to help someone else makes us a lot happier…” – In God’s World

I often share this exact sentiment with others, something I’ve experienced first hand. After graduating college, I found myself working at a big company, wearing a 3 piece suite, driving a Mercedes 230SL, in what I considered a healthy romantic relationship and living in my newly owned co-op that I had recently renovated. Guess how I felt? You got it… unhappy, unfulfilled, and confused as to why I wasn’t happy. By the way, I was sober too, and had been for a few years.

What was missing? Oh, just about everything the program offers. Fellowship, a working knowledge of the steps, using the program’s principles in all my affairs, comfort in finding my part when upset and making amends quickly, an understanding of, and great relationship with, a higher power of my understanding, and perhaps most importantly, the desire, ability, and commitment to share what I learned in recovery with others (which at that time was nothing), helping to positively contribute to their lives. When I started putting all the other pieces together, that last part gave me the added gifts of both friendship and intimacy.

So what about money, property and prestige? Isn’t that important? Why can’t I have those too?

Well, of course I love those things–I’d be a liar if I said otherwise. Having money gives me a perception of financial security I long for and often feel I don’t have. Owning a house does the same thing, along with eliminating the fear of being evicted by a landlord or having my rent increase. Owning a nice car makes me feel good, is comfortable, and takes away the fear of not being able to get somewhere easily or dependably. And prestige? Well, I’ve discovered that I do care what others think about me–in spite of that often heard saying “What others think about me is none of my business.” But rather than wanting them to think I’m financially successful, it makes me feel much better to have them think I’m a kind, loving, helpful, emotionally stable, happy life lover. And that they know I’m aspiring to be a great husband, father, brother, son, sponsee–in truth, a great man. The money and things are great, but I believe they come (in the perfect amount and at the perfect time) when I work my program.

And speaking of working my program, I just wanted to say that for me, the program is more than meetings and calling my sponsor. I did that for years and it wasn’t enough – honestly I felt lost. I also sponsored others during that time, doing the two-step dance, and I wasn’t loving my life.

Today I’ve developed a concrete set of recovery actions that help me become the best man I can be, and experience the most emotional comfort I can have. That list includes:

• Attending at least 3, but preferably at least 4, meetings a week – one being an AlAnon meeting, and (if possible) one being a Double Winners meeting.

•  Staying in communication with my sponsor, particularly when I’ve tried all other program solutions and still feel lost and/or confused.

• Reading recovery literature, and being sure to highlight in, and write at the top of, the pages I read each day.

• Writing recovery posts and texts like this, sharing them both on my blog and in texts to my core recovery group.

• Writing and sharing gratitude lists with others

• Making my bed daily

• Entering and exiting my bed from my knees where I connect with source

• Journaling with a pen and paper to take my inventory and examine the areas of my life I love and those I’d like to work on or surrender to my higher power.

• Making time to listen to affirmation-oriented loving meditations.

• Being productive toward making, and maintaining, myself as a financially self-supporting individual.

• Keeping my thoughts, efforts and physical surroundings organized to maximize my efficiency and sense of comfort.

• Engaging in hobbies that feed my creativity.

• Eating sensibly and healthily, but giving myself permission for occasional indulgences as a reward for being fit.

• Making time to get close to, and appreciate, the awesome nature that surrounds me.

• Being of service to others without monetary compensation, both in group settings, and one-on-one.

• Exercising my body by stretching and getting pushing my body to places that make me breath hard and both exercise my heart and keep my muscles strong.

I’m not perfect. I don’t get all  of them done every day. I fall short of perfection. However, the more discipled I am about practicing these actions on a daily basis, the less uncomfortable I am when my expectations are unmet by others, or when situations don’t turn out as I hope, and the more… ILML!!

– JamieQ

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What an Idiot

“If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of bing a prophet.” 

– Issac B. Singer

Sounds pretty similar to what I say frequently, “Be careful of what you’re saying out loud and to yourself, because your mind is listening and it believes you.”

Of course, it’s impossible to always think and say things that are positive. But what is possible is to catch ourselves when we do think or say things that are negative, and then take contrary actions.

Here’s a very clear example of how I practice living in the solution and getting out of negativity: 

After spilling the milk at home alone, I say out loud “What an idiot!”

Awareness hits me and I think to myself, “I just called myself an idiot, that’s not kind or productive.”

Which prompts me to take action by saying the contrary thing out loud, “Actually, I’m not an idiot, I’m a really smart guy who just made a mistake because we human beings do that, we make mistakes.”

Which evokes a feeling of success and celebration, causing me to yell out, “I’m stoked I caught myself, that’s a victory, you rock James, I love my life.”

Which puts a big smile on my face. I’m smiling after spilling the milk. That’s rad!

This process, once practiced, can become an automatic way of life, regardless of who, what or where the negativity is directed.

So the next time you start thinking upsetting thoughts, or speaking things that are fearful or unkind, give it a shot. And remember, it all starts with awareness.

Whenever I use the tools of the program to change the way I think and speak, from negative to positive, ILML!

— JamieQ

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A Program of Action

“Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully.” — Big Book p.47

They outlined a spiritual answer. I believe that the founders were speaking of providing answers to help others, like me, who, through the effects of alcohol, had warped our sense of identity, lost our emotional stability and abandoned some or all of our moral convictions in the face of the disease.

And they outlined a program of action. In early sobriety a sponsor holds our hand and shows us that program of action. But at 20 years I found myself sober, in AA, with a sponsor, with sponsees, and without a solid program consisting of daily actions that kept me evolving into a better man. I needed something more and different than what I did in my first year. So I searched and searched, until I found one.

Today my program includes the following actions: In the mornings I roll out of bed and pray and at night I stop to pray again before getting into bed, I take time to hit the pause button on life—even for just a few minutes—to meditate, I say positive affirmations out loud, I keep a spiritual backpack at my side, filled with C.A.L. and other books that enlighten me as a read, highlight and share the passages along with my experience, strength and hope, I write and share gratitude lists with others, I write a daily 10th step in my journal, I make immediate amends, whenever my disease isn’t getting the best of me, except if it hurts another, I actively work the steps and traditions over and over each year, I share what I learn in recovery, I attend both AA and AlAnon meetings regularly, I engage in fellowship with others in recovery, I sponsor others and seek my sponsor’s help and direction as needed, I am involved in service work, I work to be self-supporting financially, I spend time with my family, I exercise and stretch, I eat healthy (and give myself the gift of some cheats too), I keep my body and my surroundings clean and tidy, I practice self-care, I set healthy boundaries, I am a man of my word, I detach from toxic people and situations, I love others but not at the expense of being loving toward myself, I have and engage in hobbies and recreation, and I get 8 hours of sleep.

Holy mackerel! And that’s not even my entire list! But here’s the deal, and you already know this: we get out what we put in. The more action we take in our program, the more gifts of recovery we receive, the happier we are, the easier life is, the more successful our lives become, and the more we love our lives.

As a result of seeking a spiritual solution and taking actions in recovery, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams, and… ILML!

— JamieQ

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My Own Private Purgatory

“I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I’ve sacrificed to worry and fear, I’d add years to my life.” — Courage To Change

As you can see by the attached image, this is my favorite page in the book. I particularly love the line “break the cycle of worry and fear.” That’s one of the gifts the program has given me: a way to break that vortex of insanity. Me and my life are wasted away in those moments when I mindlessly recycle thoughts self-pity, resentment, frustration, inadequacy, fear, debasement, and indolence.

And in that process, I’m not the only one that loses out. All those that love, care and depend upon me lose out as well, while I check out of life and into my own private purgatory. Luckily, AA and AlAnon provide the lifeline back to sanity, love and life.

The more I dig into the program, the stronger and more accessible that lifeline becomes. For I believe that, no matter how spiritually and emotionally fit I become, there will undoubtably come a time when I will need help to get back. And when I do, I’ll reach out for that lifeline, discover it’s there, and allow myself to be pulled back into safety by the Program and all of you, where I am returned to sanity, and once again… ILML!

– JamieQ

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Strapped to a Stretcher

“When we refuse air, light, or food, the body suffers. And when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support.” – 12&12 p.97

Vitally needed support. That must be something like life support. Imagine needing to be hooked up to life support machines every time we express anger in a way that hurts others. Or when we fall into victimization and self-pity. Or when we react to everyone and everything instead of pausing long enough to respond kindly. Suddenly the paramedics would show up and strap us down to a stretcher, thrust a needle into our heart to revive us, put us on oxygen, and hook us up to an IV to get fluids flowing back into our body. I prefer to avoid all that chaos, drama, pain and suffering by sticking to a rigorous, daily program of spiritual action, which results in a high quality of emotional health. Because when I take those simple actions… ILML! 

– JamieQ

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Our Well-being is Guaranteed

“Practice breathing each time we feel anxiety over an outcome.” – Adapted from In God’s Care

When things feel like they aren’t going my way, I often tell others that my Higher Power says “Everything will be ok, in fact it will turn out great, trust me.” Then my Lower Power pipes in and says “No it won’t.” Guess who I’m listening to when I’m in fear? Trusting my Higher Powered voice is not always easy. Usually I’m very aware about expectations and immediately quash them by saying “I’ll be fine either way, I’m staying out of expectation, I know better.” But recently, around a financial issue, I forgot. And yesterday, when it didn’t turn out as I had expected, I was devestated. Not upset, devastated. I did everything in my power to change the outcome but I couldn’t. I suffered in fear all day. Today I awoke and was finally able to hear and trust my Higher Power’s voice. I remember now that my well-being is guaranteed, my life is rich with abundance, I am so blessed it’s unbelievable, and everything is better than okay, it’s fantastic. Because of this program, and everyone in it, I have been able to find and develop a relationship with a healthy higher power. I was given a new, better plan for living and today ILML! 

– JamieQ

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A Small Patch of Lack

“I’m grateful I see the big picture today… I’m giving myself a chance to really succeed… I don’t focus on what is lacking. There is no growth in that… I love my life!” – Aaron
Above is an excerpt from Aaron’s gratitude list today. His words painted a story in my mind about the danger of focusing on lack. Here it is: 
There once was a farmer. He was happy with a beautiful family. His crops were growing well, his harvests were very abundant. Yet there was this one area where nothing would grow. He thought perhaps that some salt or pesticides had made it sterile. So he dug up the ground and brought over rich organic soil. No luck. Over the following days he tried everything to fix that patch . The days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, the months into years. The friends that used to come over to celebrate his abundant crops stopped dropping by, as his focus was all about that one small barren area of land. He tunnel vision of the problem prevented him from attending to the rest of his farm and finances. His other crops died. His wife couldn’t take it anymore. She left and took the kids. Eventually the bank came and took the farm. He had lost everything yet he still couldn’t stop thinking about that tiny piece of ungrowable land. He died broke, miserable and consumed with his lack. 
The moral of the story is that not only is there no growth in focusing on what is lacking in our life, but by focusing on what’s wrong we risk losing everything else that’s right and good in our life. I’m a very lucky person. The program has taught me to do everything necessary to stay in the Attitude of Gratitude, because when I do, ILML! 

– JamieQ

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Asking for God-Guidance

“The love you imagine and desire will become yours only through a constancy of effort.” – Daphne Rose Kingma
A close friend of mine has been recently struggling with love. I’m talking about the kind of “being in love” love. And he’s not alone. I’ve heard over and over again from people who are not sure when to “let their love guard down”, when to say “I love you”, and when to allow themselves to fall in love. Oftentimes it’s hard to know if this is the “right” person for us, especially when we are looking for someone to marry and spend the rest of our lives with. Sometimes we’re too picky, sometimes not enough. The program can help. Recognizing we’re powerless over being “sure” and over what the other person does is the first step. Asking for God-Guidance, doing lots of journaling about it, confiding in a trusted, experienced person who has what we want, working on our relationship shortcomings and continually trying to amend our behavior is exactly how I use the program in my marriage. And it works! After 20 years, I’m still madly in love with my girl. Have we had problems, you bet! But by using the tools of the program we have made it so far. As for tomorrow… I’m responsible for the footwork, the results are in God’s hands. But one thing is for sure. When I surrender the illusion of control with my marriage, my wife and everything else… ILML! 

– JamieQ