Love & Selflessness

“Well, I believe he’s worth saving and working on.“ They said to me, “Do you want to quit drinking?… Now, if you don’t want it, we’ll not take up your time, and we’ll be going and looking for someone else.“ — Bill & Bob talking to Alcoholic #3, Big Book p.186

According to the history I found online, a few days before speaking with AA#3 (Bill Dotson) on June 26, 1935, Dr. Bob had said to Bill W., “If you and I are going to stay sober, we had better get busy.” 9 days later, Dotson left the hospital a free man, never to drink again until his death, 19 years later.

What I find particularly interesting is that Dotson’s wife, Henrietta, just a few days earlier, had prayed with a pastor that someone her husband could understand would visit him in the hospital.

And to make it all even more improbable is that, at about the same time she was praying with the pastor, Dr. Bob reported saying to Bill: “If you and I are going to stay sober, we had better get busy.” Dr. Bob called Akron’s City Hospital and told the nurse, a “Mrs. Hall,” that he and a man from New York had a cure for alcoholism. Did she have an alcoholic customer on whom they could try it out?

Sounds to me like divine intervention. The spirit of all that is good and kind, the energy that wants the very best for us, the power that is cheering for us to practice compassion, love and selflessness can and will break the bonds of suffering. I believe that was what brought these three alcoholics together in order to carry the message to the millions of us who want to heal and lead productive, happy lives, along with the millions of those that love us and were suffering right along side of us.

When I read about this encounter, tears of gratitude spilled from my eyes. I think of what my life would have looked like without the program—It would have been a truly tragic life. Instead, those three got together and kept it going, and eventually the program reached me, healed my soul, and changed me from a man who hated life to one who runs around yelling “ILML!”

— JamieQ

A Program of Action

“Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully.” — Big Book p.47

They outlined a spiritual answer. I believe that the founders were speaking of providing answers to help others, like me, who, through the effects of alcohol, had warped our sense of identity, lost our emotional stability and abandoned some or all of our moral convictions in the face of the disease.

And they outlined a program of action. In early sobriety a sponsor holds our hand and shows us that program of action. But at 20 years I found myself sober, in AA, with a sponsor, with sponsees, and without a solid program consisting of daily actions that kept me evolving into a better man. I needed something more and different than what I did in my first year. So I searched and searched, until I found one.

Today my program includes the following actions: In the mornings I roll out of bed and pray and at night I stop to pray again before getting into bed, I take time to hit the pause button on life—even for just a few minutes—to meditate, I say positive affirmations out loud, I keep a spiritual backpack at my side, filled with C.A.L. and other books that enlighten me as a read, highlight and share the passages along with my experience, strength and hope, I write and share gratitude lists with others, I write a daily 10th step in my journal, I make immediate amends, whenever my disease isn’t getting the best of me, except if it hurts another, I actively work the steps and traditions over and over each year, I share what I learn in recovery, I attend both AA and AlAnon meetings regularly, I engage in fellowship with others in recovery, I sponsor others and seek my sponsor’s help and direction as needed, I am involved in service work, I work to be self-supporting financially, I spend time with my family, I exercise and stretch, I eat healthy (and give myself the gift of some cheats too), I keep my body and my surroundings clean and tidy, I practice self-care, I set healthy boundaries, I am a man of my word, I detach from toxic people and situations, I love others but not at the expense of being loving toward myself, I have and engage in hobbies and recreation, and I get 8 hours of sleep.

Holy mackerel! And that’s not even my entire list! But here’s the deal, and you already know this: we get out what we put in. The more action we take in our program, the more gifts of recovery we receive, the happier we are, the easier life is, the more successful our lives become, and the more we love our lives.

As a result of seeking a spiritual solution and taking actions in recovery, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams, and… ILML!

— JamieQ

My Own Private Purgatory

“I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I’ve sacrificed to worry and fear, I’d add years to my life.” — Courage To Change

As you can see by the attached image, this is my favorite page in the book. I particularly love the line “break the cycle of worry and fear.” That’s one of the gifts the program has given me: a way to break that vortex of insanity. Me and my life are wasted away in those moments when I mindlessly recycle thoughts self-pity, resentment, frustration, inadequacy, fear, debasement, and indolence.

And in that process, I’m not the only one that loses out. All those that love, care and depend upon me lose out as well, while I check out of life and into my own private purgatory. Luckily, AA and AlAnon provide the lifeline back to sanity, love and life.

The more I dig into the program, the stronger and more accessible that lifeline becomes. For I believe that, no matter how spiritually and emotionally fit I become, there will undoubtably come a time when I will need help to get back. And when I do, I’ll reach out for that lifeline, discover it’s there, and allow myself to be pulled back into safety by the Program and all of you, where I am returned to sanity, and once again… ILML!

– JamieQ

Forgiveness: The Antivenom

“There is no other way but forgiveness to clean the wounds of all the poison.” – The Mastery Of Love

If you’re reading this, stop for just one moment at the end of this sentence, close your eyes, and think about any and all people that, because what they did was so bad, you just cannot possibly forgive.

Ok, if you’re like me, there were at least a couple. These people are poisoning us. Our hurt and anger over what they did will continue to live inside us until we forgive them. And by forgiving, I don’t mean to say that what they did was ok. It WASN’T! What they did was terrible. That’s why we are so upset.

Here’s the ones I have had trouble forgiving. Hal, my ex-step-father. Greg, an ex-client. Forest, my wife’s father. Myself, for hurting others when I was using.

But it’s time we let go and gave them, and their misdeeds, to God, especially if we are among those we can’t seem to forgive. Our higher power is much better equipped to handle it than us. By letting go, and letting God, we surrender our resentment, forgiving the trespasses as we would like to be forgiven ours. Of course, detach from anyone that’s toxic, but it’s time to surrender our anger and make space for more love. Because when I let go, let God, and open myself up to more love, ILML!

– JamieQ

I Still Tell Lies

“Sooner or later, all of us realize that we have to draw our moral lines somewhere… Today I will draw the line at anything that blocks me from my Higher Power.” — In God’s Care

I grew up in the 60s and 70s, definitely a child of hippies. My dad was dropping acid, smoking pot, and bringing home iguanas and monkeys to live with us. Me and my 2 brothers rode Honda 50 minibikes around the neighborhood like banshees, and as young kids stayed out playing in the neighborhood ’til dark every day. We had a ton of freedom, everyone seemed to always be naked, but my folks tried to teach me the difference between right and wrong. I tried my best to listen and follow the golden rule, but there was a lot of “do what I say, not what I do” going on.

At 15 I myself became an alcoholic and addict, putting everything I could find to change how I felt into my body until I was 20. During that time I managed to lose any concept of morality that had existed. I was self centered to the extreme, angry, hurt, confused, rebellious, Godless, and diagnosed by a psychiatrist as a pathological liar (I couldn’t tell when I was lying).

The program was a roadmap back to morality. And that was just the beginning. Beyond the steps, sponsorship and approved literature, I sought out other means to become a better man and improve my spiritual connection on a daily basis. Practicing actual physical actions like writing this blog, doing yoga, making daily gratitude lists, doing affirmations, journaling regularly, reading approved and outside literature, and highlighting what resonated with me. These actions took my journey to the next level.

Today, the dream of being able to love the man I saw in the mirror is no longer just a dream, it’s my reality. Becoming a great father, a great husband, a great employer, a great brother, a great son, and a great man is one of the greatest joys I have experienced (and continue to experience) in my life. It brings me closer to source.

Of course, sobriety was the beginning of it all—without that, none of this would have been possible. But after my craving for drugs and booze disappeared, my craving for all the promises replaced it, and it’s pushed me far beyond sobriety and doing the Steps just once. These days, I work a strong recovery program, peeling off layers of defects, allowing my true, wonderful character qualities to shine brightly.

That said, I’m certainly not pure as snow with regard to morality. I still lie occasionally, which forces me to make amends. I still exaggerate and then need to correct myself. I still gossip, and catch myself, as it feels bad inside my gut. I get angry, yell, swear, and do things I’m not proud of. All that at 35 years sober.

Seriously? Oh yeah. And here is why. In my opinion, perfection in character and morality, in words and actions, in thoughts and opinions, is unachievable. Luckily, I’m in total acceptance about that. What I’m really after anyway is spiritual growth, the promise that, if I do the work, I’ll continually move towards becoming a better and better man each day. And by consistently working a dedicated and diligent program of spiritual action day after day, year after year, that’s exactly what’s been happening to me.

I am grateful to have found The Program and to work it to the best of my ability. It keeps me connected to source. I’m more of a contributor than a contaminator. And as long as I’m living in the solution, and doing my very best to work The Program, ILML!

— JamieQ

“When I focus on what’s good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what’s bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a problem, the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases…I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I’ve never had it so good.”  – Doctor, Addict, Alcoholic” by Dr. Paul O. in Alcoholics Anonymous

I live by these words. In fact, they are some of the most powerful words (for me) in the Big Book. And they’re not really new or unique. Philosophers and scientists have researched, studied, debated and proven how powerful the mind is (what we think) in manifesting not only positive experiences and relationships in life, but also positive physical health. I sponsor lots of men, both in AA and AlAnon. The ones that stuggle the most are those that have trouble accepting that our perceptions and attitudes are 99% responsible for how we feel and the quality of our lives. Not our circumstances, our past, or other people. And by studying, working and living the program in a very systematic, diligent and consistent way, I alter my perceptions and attitudes, so that no matter what’s happening on the outside …ILML! 

Have No Regrets

“What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.” – 12 Step Prayer Book 
At the end of each day, I have a great opportunity to reflect on the hours I’ve spent in that day. Was I of service to others out of kindness? Did I take actions that nurtured me physically, emotionally and spiritually. When options presented themselves was I able to make healthy choices? Did I smile and laugh – at least a few times? If agitated, was I able to pause and respond in kindness? Did I take care of responsibilities as well as possible? Did I carve out some time to engage in hobbies that I enjoy? I can honestly say that the time I spent living today was worthwhile, that I have no regrets, and that ILML!  

– JamieQ