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Discovering Me

“… I have found that the process of discovering who I really am begins with knowing who I really don’t want to be.”
― Alcoholics Anonymous

Several nights ago I was asked to be the speaker at a meeting which required the selecting & reading of a passage from the Big Book. I choose the one above, as it gave me an opportunity to reflect on the fact that I’m grateful I no longer think, act or feel the way I did before sobriety. I didn’t have to do the typical drunk-a-logue, though in a round about sort of way, I shared what that James looked like (not a pretty picture). I shared mostly how AA and AlAnon, and the tools I use from them, have transformed me as a person – from thoughts to feelings to actions. I like this new James a while lot better – and so does my family. I think that everyone on this road is very fortunate to have the chance to evolve into a happier, kinder and better person. I certainly know I am. Off to beautiful Stockton (:-) to get an early start on Softball Tournaments this weekend. ILML! – James

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Soul Medicine

“… The consciousness of God’s love … brings wonderful relief from the cares and worries of our daily lives. Relief brings peace and peace brings contentment. Try to walk in God’s love.” – Twenty Four Hours A Day

I once heard someone say “be careful of what you’re thinking, your mind is listening.” That was a very important lesson for me. The more I think about the problem, or the fear, or a resentment, the more I tend to manifest what comes out of those thoughts. But like the quote from 24 Hours, when I think of God (love/gratitude) I am relived of stress, I calm down and I suddenly feel, once again, at peace. God consciousness is good medicine for my soul. ILML! – James

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Celebrate Life

Don’t be a grave robber. Let corpses alone…Every time you dig up an old grievance or an old mistake by rehearsing it in your mind or, still worse, by telling someone else about it, you are simply ripping open a grave … Live the present. The past is past—liquidate it. If a negative memory comes into your mind, cremate it with the right thought (the fire of Love) and forget it. – Around the Year with Emmet Fox.

Kaboom! If that doesn’t set it straight, I’m not sure what will. 85% or more of my struggles come from grave robbing (the rest come from future #@!!ing). Today I will not dig through maggots and rotting flesh – it’s an uncomfortable space to live in. It’s a beautiful day of life and my plan is to stay in this gift of the present and enjoy it. What about you? ILML! – James

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Plugging In

“… our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.”
– BB pg 183-4

This uncomplicated the concept of God for me. The program simply helped me tap into something that saved my life. Like others, I chose to believe that thing is my HP, and it’s always in me. I can unplug from my Lower Power energy, and plug into my Higher Power energy, at any time. It’s a lot easier to remember to do this when I’ve stayed connected to my program, but regardless, it’s always there. No one can take that plug away from me. Plugging in will re-energize me with peace, love, gratitude, kindness and emotional well-being. All I have to do is plug in, and just like that… ILML! – James

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Happiness Equation

Daily Reflections from yesterday “Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others”

What a beautiful and yet very simple equation for true happiness. Remembering that there is never a point at which I will be exempt from experiencing more joy. Meaning there will always be work and subsequently happiness in doing so. iLmL – Richie

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(D)anger

“Recently I reacted to a situation. I started to get angry – really angry… anger is just one letter short of danger… that one-second choice between working my anger or working my program…” – Courage to Change

For me, anger is my warning siren that I’m in fear, and fear indicates that I’ve gotten disconnected from my HP. So my solution to staying out of the drama of anger is to plug back into my HP – pretty difficult to do when I’m mad, but not impossible. My secret is to (1) be aware when I’m getting angry (2) take one really deep breath in and out, and (3) get away from the cause of my anger ASAP. If I can say something nice like “sorry, I can’t talk right now” even better. But either way, if I detach right away I can avoid the emotional hangover, the wreckage and the amends I would otherwise need to make, if I did not detach. And there you have it, another little lesson I’ve learned on how to stay happy, joyous and free in recovery! ILML – James

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Desires or Peace

“Sometimes… we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled… But some things take time. Be patient. Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more. Good things are planned for us. Relax and trust.” – The Language of Letting Go

Today I know that not all my desires will lead to happiness. Some, if fulfilled, would cause me pain. Having faith that the loving energy of life (my HP) brings to me only the ones that help me love my life, is a great comfort today. In the past I’ve push and struggled to get the others, only to suffer later when I got what I asked for. Today, I relax and search for peace more than the fulfillment of my desires. And when I approach life like this, I can’t help but be grateful. ‘Thank you God for what you have given me, thank you for what you have taken away, but mostly, thank you for what is here now.’ ILML – James

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Understanding Boundaries

“I have often tried to change other people to suit my own desires… this outlook put a strain on my relationships… knowing my own boundaries does not mean forcing others to change… the focus, today, is on me.” – Courage to Change pgs. 244 & 345

After over 30 years in recovery I still catch myself, not only wanting others to change to suit me, but attempting to get them to do so. I have 1000 justifications for asking them to change, many of them very reasonable. However, a better solution is to make requests (with zero expectation of change) to another when I feel their behavior feels uncomfortable. Then I can surrender the outcome to my HP and use my tools to get back into gratitude and love – regardless of the other person’s response to my request. That’s how I work my program when I’m in the solution. Today I’m in the solution, and because of that… ILML! – James

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Stop, Drop & Roll

“When there is a fire in your life, a problem that you have been unable to stop the spread of, do not try to fight it on your own… Just for today, go back to kindergarten. Stop! Drop! And Roll!” – Until Today

Before the program, but after I had emotionally separated from my dependence upon my family of origin, I felt alone and on my own. At first it was wonderful, but after years of feeling responsible for all my “problems”, I started to feel like a victim and unable to handle life alone. This feeling, even more than drugs and alcohol, drove me to the rooms. And Thank God it did! Today I have the support of the fellowship, a loving HP, and a vast array of tools to guide me out of the problem and into the solution. This new way of living is what makes me a life lover, and believe me, today, like most days, ILML! – James

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Just a Beginning

“Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us … now we begin to have a spiritual experience… We feel we are on the Broad Highway walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.” BB of 75

After reading this, and finishing step 5, I thought that I would forever feel at peace, never be fearful again, and always feel the presence of my HP. But my sponsor told me, if that were true, why bother with the remaining 7 steps? He pointed out the words like “we can” and “we begin”, reminding me that, although I will begin to experience peace, start surrendering fears, and feel the presence of a loving God, I must continue the work if I want to have them in my daily life. So I finished my steps, felt great, and then slowly over the next 10 years or so, lost my connection, lost my peace, and became fearful – all in sobriety.

In 2002, at 20 years sober, and again finding myself experiencing another emotional hangover, I embarked on a new rigorous, daily program of action.

Aside from prayer, meetings and sponsorship, the meat of my program was my Golden Hour.

Each morning I would spend an hour or more reading both program and recovery literature. Then I would choose one reading and send out a spiritual text (like this – but shorter) to my recovery group. During that time I meditated, did a 10th step, wrote a gratitude list, and planned my meeting. Afterwards I made some 12 step phone calls.

Today, at 31 years sober, this is still my ritual, and it really is what puts me at peace, in acceptance, reduces my fears, and connects me to my HP – which is my source of love and gratitude. Although I still have problems, things don’t go my way, and people don’t act as I wish, my ability to let Go and let God is greatly increased, and I can much more easily find happiness, contentment and gratitude, regardless of what is happening with the people, places and things in my life. ILML – James