Emotional Hangovers

Emotional Hangovers

When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate… This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.” – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p.53

This reminds me of the following quote on page 60 of Alcoholics Anonymous “Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased.

This is how I ALWAYS lived before getting sober and learning a new, better way to live in AA, AlAnon and NarAnon. Whereas AA gave me my physical sobriety, fellowship, an opportunity to be of service, a Higher Power, and the chance to clean up the wreckage of my past and begin being a better man, AlAnon & NarAnon gives me my emotional sobriety – allowing me to practice equanimity and have serenity, even in the face of difficulties.

For me, personal relations, getting along with others, the desire to be liked, loved and appreciated, were all areas of life that I needed help with. Having lived most of my life by sheer self-propulsion, running my own show, trying to run others’ shows as well, and constantly thinking about me and mine, letting go of those behaviors wasn’t easy. But the emotional hangovers I was experiencing were simply too much.

Over the years I’ve discovered that when I practice the AlAnon/NarAnon way of living, the better I get along with others, the happier I am with me, the less needy I become, the more I rely on myself for the love I desperately want to feel, and the more abundant my life becomes. While the love others give me is a wonderful added bonus, it’s no longer necessary for me to love my life. And these days, thanks to the 12 step programs, and working a rigorous program of daily action… ILML!

— JamieQ

How a Group Conscious got me Back to the Right Size

How a Group Conscious got me Back to the Right Size

“Tradition Two talks about bleeding deacon and elder statesman… a bleeding deacon, sits in the problem.. a “it’s my way or the highway” type… (while) an elder statesman sits in the solution… open-minded, willing to listen and accepting for change… (as) an elder statesman, I have a better chance of staying away from selfishness and self- centeredness…the root of my problem in the first place.” – Working the Traditions in your Daily Life, ca.org

This morning I was talking to a member in the program about this tradition and how easy it is to feel like I’m running the show, and I should be, whether it be at work, with my family or in a meeting. But that attitude always ends up keeping me imprisoned in my own misery. Here’s a quick example.

Years ago I started an AlAnon meeting and was quite proud of myself. I decided on the format, how it ran, and most other details. I loved it. But after leaving on a trip I returned to find that when I came back it had changed. Some of my favorite parts of the meeting were changed around. I was told a group conscious had been taken and the group decided to change a few things.

“How dare they!!!” Although I didn’t say it out loud at that moment, later while talking with a friend I complained that it’s wasn’t fair. “That’s my meeting. I started it!” He reminded me that I am just a trusted servant in the program. So as punishment to them all, I chose not to go back to the meeting for over a year. By depriving them of my supreme leadership and contribution, they’d be sorry.

Guess what happened? They did just fine without me. The only one missing out was me.

Today, 15 years later, the meeting now barely resembles the meeting I had started. The time of the meeting has changed. The format is different. It’s even at a new location. About the only thing that’s the same is the day of the week. But you know what? It’s one of the best meetings on Maui, and one of my favorites, hands down. Without me the meeting actually got better. Can you believe that?

Thanks to that lesson and others, I’ve gained a bit more humility along with a deeper appreciation of Tradition 2. I really do want the best for everyone, and I really don’t always know what that is. But through a group conscious, by having the majority decide together what’s best for all of us, the decision that reflects what most of us want is made. And today, thank God, I’m ok if that decision is not the one I agree with.

I’m grateful that learning to be teachable and open to learning is something that will go on for the rest of my life. Because the more willing I am to grow, evolve and change for the better, the more ILML!

– JamieQ

The Solution to Every One of my Problems

The Solution to Every One of my Problems

“My problems are like shark teeth. When one falls out, another one pops right up in it’s place.” – Chris K., A Sponsee

My mind persistently tries to take me into the problem. It says: “If I look at the problem it will help me because I can find a solution and be happy.” I don’t believe it works like that.

Instead, I’m much happier, and my life runs much better, when I apply the AlAnon slogan “Awareness, Acceptance & Action” as follows:

When a problem arises, I first recognize that I have a problem. This is my awareness. 

Next, I accept that when it comes to problems there are only two possible actions: I can solve it or let go and let God. I recognize that those are the only real solutions. This is my acceptance.

And finally, if I have the answer to the problem, and can fix it right now, all by myself, I’ll do that. But if I don’t have an immediate solution that 100% in my control, I let go of it, give it to God, and focus my attention on things I have control over, like doing things that make me happy. This is my action.

By applying this simple practice to any problem in my life, I’m actually working the principles of the program. And when I do that, instead of trying to manage, direct and control people, places and things that are definitely out of my hula hoop… ILML!

— JamieQ