control

Melt Away Hopelessness
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Melt Away Hopelessness

“…I was hopeless.” AA p.10

“… I bore down hard on the hopelessness..” Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p.152

Hopelessness. I doubt there’s even one of us that has not experienced this feeling.

Sometimes it’s about work, money, bills, housing, a car, or even being able to buy Christmas gifts for family.

More often, for me at least, it’s about my inability to make relationships work the way I want. Not being able to get those I love and care about to love, care about, and treat me the way I want them to.

So ultimately it’s a control issue. When I can’t control people, situations and outcomes, when I can’t get them to align with my expectations (which I often feel are quite reasonable), I fall into the pit of despair. Woe is me. Have pity on me for I am a victim of circumstances. I’m stuck in the abyss of hopelessness with no way out.

But there is a way out. It’s through AWARENESS and ACTION.

At 58 years old I’ve become highly attuned to how I feel physically. If I’m hungry or tired, sore or sick, I’ve learned to take immediate action to resolve it. I don’t like being physically uncomfortable. I’ll take some vitamins, drink more water, take a nap, see the doctor, etc. I’ll do whatever is required to physically feel better. I’m good at taking care of myself in these ways, again, because I don’t like feeling bad.

The same applies to my mental health. I’ve become incredibly attuned to my emotional state of mind. I’m very aware when I feel happy, safe, grateful, comfortable, and at peace. Likewise I know when I’m feeling sad, uncomfortable, depressed, irritable, angry, scared, frustrated or confused.

This is AWARENESS – and it’s fundamental to get me out of my funk. But in order to get all the way out of hopelessness, I need to take ACTION. Luckily, I have an endless supply of concrete, solution-oriented actions that will quickly get me out of hopelessness. Some of the tools I use are:

  • Meditation

  • Connecting with Source

  • Getting our into Nature

  • Doing some Exercise

  • Reading from Inspirational Books

  • Sharing Excerpts with Others

  • Disco Dancing

  • Singing to Music

  • Getting to a Meeting

  • Playing Guitar

  • Doing Positive Affirmations Aloud

  • Skateboarding

  • Speaking Lovingly to Myself in the Mirror

  • Surfing

  • Journaling out Thoughts & Feelings

  • Buying myself something Small

  • Making & Sharing a Gratitude List

  • Doing some Yoga

  • Listening to Spiritual Podcasts

  • Getting Productive on my Tasks

  • Taking a Nap

  • Smiling & saying hi to others

  • Giving Love to a fog, cat or pet

  • Volunteering my time

  • Staying in bed for 8 hours Max

  • Yelling our “I LOVE MY LIFE” repeatedly

  • Being kind & loving to everyone possible

  • Refusing to Complain about my problems

  • Seeing my therapist to seek solution

  • Cleaning my house, car & office

  • Working my program & steps

  • Writing a 4th step on my hopelessness

  • Eating some sweets

  • Getting myself organized

  • Going to a movie

  • Call my sponsor to get into gratitude

  • Calling newcomers to check on them

  • Actively practice forgiveness in writing

  • Picking up trash I see on the sidewalk

  • Stopping to smell a flower

  • Understanding/Surrendering Expectations

  • Immersing myself in the ocean

  • Living in the Moment Exercises

  • Snorkeling and watching the fish

  • Working out of my step-work book

Many of these are tools that I use preemptively, to prevent me from falling into a funk to begin with.

But I also use them when I’m feeling hopeless, and provided I’m willing to do whatever it takes, and use every tool available if necessary, my hopelessness always melts away, and I’m guided back to that warm and wonderful place of gratitude where.. ILML!

— JamieQ

Life Gets Lifey
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Life Gets Lifey

“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.” AA, pg. 45

I’m part of a group of individuals that sends out gratitude lists back-and-forth, between each other, on almost a daily basis. This morning I received a gratitude list from someone who works a rigorous 12 step spiritual program of action. In it, she said, “I don’t try and control things as much as I used to.”

It made me think that, although the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous were correct in the fact that lack of power was our dilemma, particularly with regard to alcohol, I’ve found that in long-term recovery, it’s lack of control that seems to be at the root of many of my troubles.

Whether I’m willing to admit it or not, I tend to want people to do the things that I want them to do, act the way that I want them to act, and speak to me the way I would like to be spoken to.

I also tend to want situations to go the way that I want them to go, how I think they should happen, Because I believe that would be the best outcome not only for me, but for everyone else to.

And I’m very clear as to what I would like to happen with regard to the health of my body. I’d like to always be strong, healthy, slim and attractive.

Well, at 57 years old I’ve finally begun to realize that life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way I’d like it to go. As I often say, without my ability to manage, direct and control everything, life tends to get lifey.

More often than not, people have an inclination to do what they would like to do, rather than what I would like them to do.

Things that I’ve planned often turn out differently than I hoped.

And my body, well, it has this weird way of getting older and, well, heavier. LOL. I also noticed that the older I get, the more I experience strange aches and pains, some of which have actually required medical intervention.

So you see, my ability to control people, places and things is really just an illusion of control. As they say in ALAnon, I’m really only in charge of what’s happening inside my hula hoop. And even then, at least when it comes to my human body, I’m really not in complete control of that either.

What I have learned to control is the amount of energy I put into becoming the best version of me I can possibly become. That includes doing things that positively feed my mind l, body and spirit. In these situations, the only one I’m battling for control with, is my DisEase. He would certainly prefer that I spend zero time taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally and physically because the more pain I am in, the more likely I will hurt others and hurt myself.

So again, just for today, like most of the days over the last 17 years of my life, I’ll make my recovery a priority. Because when I put first things first… ILML!

Emotional Hangovers
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Emotional Hangovers

“When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate… This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.” – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p.53

This reminds me of the following quote on page 60 of Alcoholics Anonymous “Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased.”

This is how I ALWAYS lived before getting sober and learning a new, better way to live in AA, AlAnon and NarAnon. Whereas AA gave me my physical sobriety, fellowship, an opportunity to be of service, a Higher Power, and the chance to clean up the wreckage of my past and begin being a better man, AlAnon & NarAnon gives me my emotional sobriety – allowing me to practice equanimity and have serenity, even in the face of difficulties.

For me, personal relations, getting along with others, the desire to be liked, loved and appreciated, were all areas of life that I needed help with. Having lived most of my life by sheer self-propulsion, running my own show, trying to run others’ shows as well, and constantly thinking about me and mine, letting go of those behaviors wasn’t easy. But the emotional hangovers I was experiencing were simply too much.

Over the years I’ve discovered that when I practice the AlAnon/NarAnon way of living, the better I get along with others, the happier I am with me, the less needy I become, the more I rely on myself for the love I desperately want to feel, and the more abundant my life becomes. While the love others give me is a wonderful added bonus, it’s no longer necessary for me to love my life. And these days, thanks to the 12 step programs, and working a rigorous program of daily action… ILML!

— JamieQ

How a Group Conscious got me Back to the Right Size
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How a Group Conscious got me Back to the Right Size

“Tradition Two talks about bleeding deacon and elder statesman… a bleeding deacon, sits in the problem.. a “it’s my way or the highway” type… (while) an elder statesman sits in the solution… open-minded, willing to listen and accepting for change… (as) an elder statesman, I have a better chance of staying away from selfishness and self- centeredness…the root of my problem in the first place.” – Working the Traditions in your Daily Life, ca.org

This morning I was talking to a member in the program about this tradition and how easy it is to feel like I’m running the show, and I should be, whether it be at work, with my family or in a meeting. But that attitude always ends up keeping me imprisoned in my own misery. Here’s a quick example.

Years ago I started an AlAnon meeting and was quite proud of myself. I decided on the format, how it ran, and most other details. I loved it. But after leaving on a trip I returned to find that when I came back it had changed. Some of my favorite parts of the meeting were changed around. I was told a group conscious had been taken and the group decided to change a few things.

“How dare they!!!” Although I didn’t say it out loud at that moment, later while talking with a friend I complained that it’s wasn’t fair. “That’s my meeting. I started it!” He reminded me that I am just a trusted servant in the program. So as punishment to them all, I chose not to go back to the meeting for over a year. By depriving them of my supreme leadership and contribution, they’d be sorry.

Guess what happened? They did just fine without me. The only one missing out was me.

Today, 15 years later, the meeting now barely resembles the meeting I had started. The time of the meeting has changed. The format is different. It’s even at a new location. About the only thing that’s the same is the day of the week. But you know what? It’s one of the best meetings on Maui, and one of my favorites, hands down. Without me the meeting actually got better. Can you believe that?

Thanks to that lesson and others, I’ve gained a bit more humility along with a deeper appreciation of Tradition 2. I really do want the best for everyone, and I really don’t always know what that is. But through a group conscious, by having the majority decide together what’s best for all of us, the decision that reflects what most of us want is made. And today, thank God, I’m ok if that decision is not the one I agree with.

I’m grateful that learning to be teachable and open to learning is something that will go on for the rest of my life. Because the more willing I am to grow, evolve and change for the better, the more ILML!

– JamieQ

The Solution to Every One of my Problems
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The Solution to Every One of my Problems

“My problems are like shark teeth. When one falls out, another one pops right up in it’s place.” – Chris K., A Sponsee

My mind persistently tries to take me into the problem. It says: “If I look at the problem it will help me because I can find a solution and be happy.” I don’t believe it works like that.

Instead, I’m much happier, and my life runs much better, when I apply the AlAnon slogan “Awareness, Acceptance & Action” as follows:

When a problem arises, I first recognize that I have a problem. This is my awareness. 

Next, I accept that when it comes to problems there are only two possible actions: I can solve it or let go and let God. I recognize that those are the only real solutions. This is my acceptance.

And finally, if I have the answer to the problem, and can fix it right now, all by myself, I’ll do that. But if I don’t have an immediate solution that 100% in my control, I let go of it, give it to God, and focus my attention on things I have control over, like doing things that make me happy. This is my action.

By applying this simple practice to any problem in my life, I’m actually working the principles of the program. And when I do that, instead of trying to manage, direct and control people, places and things that are definitely out of my hula hoop… ILML!

— JamieQ